Trisha Warren: The Calm Amidst A Storm

A day in the life of raising a child with anxiety

Unexplained feelings of emotions, deep breathing, crying, another sleepless night. A sense of worry and frustration fills the room as we toggle back and forth as parents trying to figure out what to do. Sounds like our first week as parents coming home with a newborn baby, except nah… it’s our 9 year old. Instead of us experiencing all of these feelings, it’s actually him going through the motions. Anxiety is something we can all pretty much relate to, especially with the world in its current fucked up state. However, how do we as parents not only recognize, but acknowledge, sympathize, and help our children get through some heavy stuff?

If you ask anyone who knows Massan (my son & middle child), they will tell you he’s a very caring soul. He will back up any of his homies with such deep empathy. So much so, that it would even trigger his own feelings. Mas, as we call him for short, wouldn’t hurt a fly (unless it was his younger brother), wears his big ass heart on his sleeve, and can hold onto an emotion like a mfkr. He’s a sweet, talented, and creative kid who rocks about 2 feet of dreadlocks, which he swears is the part of him that gives him “power”, and we think it does too.

When Mas turned 7, just starting the first grade, he developed a sort of urge to use the restroom every 15 minutes. I remember thinking it was just some kind of nervousness from starting a new school year. Later, we found out it was because his teacher had restricted his class to using the restroom only at designated times, or so we thought. As time progressed, Mas’ angst became worse but still bearable. He would tell us his stomach hurt out of nowhere and he would have feelings he could not explain.

Second grade passed by, and when third grade hit, his anxiety worsened. There were times he would not sleep until 4am, resulting in him missing so many days of school. During these sleepless nights, he would cry, and could not explain the feelings he was experiencing. My husband and I would get super frustrated and tired, sometimes yelling (crying) at him to go to sleep.

It was tough, but the guilt of getting mad at him for something he couldn’t control was even worse. Of course, I did what any normal mom would do, spent my own sleepless nights researching and googling to see if I could home-diagnose him myself. As expected, I found a shit ton of articles that related to Mas’ case and figured out he was going through his own version of anxiety.

At the time, I did not relate Mas’ experiences with anything or even thought of a trigger. I thought he had anxiety because his dad would experience it, even as a child. You see, I had lost my cousin to suicide the year Mas was going into the first grade. My cousin was Mas’ godfather (his “nino”), they were very close. Til this day, Mas will still cry thinking about him. My cousin’s mental illness woke me up as a parent and I became more aware of my children’s feelings.

I did not take it lightly when they expressed anything between fear and joy. So, when Mas was going through all of this, we decided to take him to therapy. Luckily, we found a treatment center that specialized in Pediatric Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is a holistic approach in mental health. Right away, we were very pleased with the kid-friendly office and fell in love with his therapist, or “feelings coach” as she calls herself. This title “feelings coach” allowed Mas to resonate with her as someone he can express his feelings to and to deter from the term “psychologist” all together. His feelings coach evaluated him for a couple of sessions and is now equipping him with coping skills on how to handle certain situations. She teaches him breathing techniques. They create characters such as “Self-Regulating Scarlett” which is our dog who helps him by absorbing his anxiety and “Anxiety Zapping Ziggy” who is his little bro. Just simple creative ways for his mind to comprehend, which I love.

Mas has been going to therapy for about 5 months now, and he still has his moments. After a few sessions, his “feelings coach” told us he was going through high separation anxiety which made a lot of sense. He would never want to be anywhere without us, and he would question when we would leave. He finally told us that he always thinks something bad will happen to us. I don’t think it’s the cause of his feelings entirely, but it definitely triggers something. When COVID hit, he became worried as any normal child would, except he was always trying to figure out where his feelings were coming from, resulting in his rabbit hole of emotions.

Now, he has the tools to get him through these things but remembering to use them, has been quite the challenge. It is a work in progress not only for him, but us as parents, and especially me as a mother. Whenever he is feeling anxious, we walk him through it. We never tell him to suppress it. We assure him that we are with him, he is never alone, and that WE’RE going to get through it together.

Growing up, our parents (especially in Asian cultures) never taught us how to deal with our feelings properly. At least in my house, it was always “stop acting like that”, “what is wrong with you”, and “just get over it”. Parents are now starting to realize the importance of their child’s feelings, and what I mean by that, is they are digging deeper into what their child is feeling rather than dismissing it. Again, it’s a work in progress for us and we are very much still in the thick of learning how to acknowledge and embrace it. But I have hope in our generation of parents, and give them (us) props for wanting mental wellness for our seeds.

Did you have a support system that you turned to? If yes, in what way did they show support?

My support system was honestly my husband. He’s gone through anxiety as a child as well as an adult, so he knew exactly what Mas would go through. Between the two of us, he is more of the nurturer and can sympathize with all of our children if it came down to it. He’s also worked with the youth for many years as a Recreational Leader, so he really speaks their language. I’m all business, and super structured when it comes to my kids and their schedules and I can easily turn into my parents when it comes to feelings. That’s why it was such a big learning process for myself and recognizing the importance of my child’s mental state. My best friend also knows what it is like to have anxiety at a young age. I often confide in her when Mas is going through it.

Did you find any online resources useful that you could recommend to other parents going through the same thing? If yes, could you share them? If not, were there other resources that helped?

I have stumbled upon a few IG handles who are therapists/moms and deal with the same type of things. One in particular is @atparentingsurvival (Natasha Daniels) who is a Therapist, she helps parents who have children dealing with anxiety and/or OCD. She posts words of encouragement, and it really helps me when I’m scrolling through my feed, especially on those not so easy days. She also posts about people who may not be as educated on childhood anxiety. For example, she’s mentioned something about other parents trying to normalize anxiety by saying stuff like “don’t all children go through that?” and “oh it’s just a phase, they’ll grow out of it.” Sort of dismissing the fact that the issue is there. I’ve never noticed it before, and a lot of parents have said these things to me, so it was comforting to know that I wasn’t the only one who knew it wasn’t okay. This IG led me to other moms going through similar situations, as well as helpful articles and podcasts. I tend to get lost in the inter-webs when researching for different resources. That in itself can be overwhelming and therapeutic at the same time.

What made you decide to finally start therapy?

Mas’ older sister went through some therapy as she was going through her own crisis called middle school. We all know how this middle school age is a total mindfuck. So, we were already familiar with the process. After my cousin’s passing, we thought it would be beneficial for Mas to go through therapy as well, but never took it as serious until he started showing signs of distress while trying to process these emotions. Even then, we thought that we could kind of coach him through these feelings day by day, but it wasn’t until almost a year later that we decided it was time for a professional to step in.

You mentioned how Mas has “tools” to get him through when anxiety hits. Do you have your own way of “decompressing” when you go through a hard day?

Whoo child.. I can really work on “decompressing” myself, but for me it has always been- recognize the issue, find a solution, and fix. Never dwell. This is why I did not hesitate on therapy for the kids because I myself never knew the value of processing feelings. I do think about therapy for myself, but truth be told, funding for therapy can be a pretty penny. Not having good access to mental therapy is a social disparity on its own, and is probably another great article for another time. Right now, my plant buying and nurturing will have to do. I feel like bringing life and growth into my house brings a sort of calmness, for me at least. As far as how I process things on a hard day, I will literally just cry it out after I’ve put on a strong face for Mas. I also do a few breathing exercises of my own, then get into deep prayer.

What advice would you give to other moms who might also be struggling with their child’s emotions as well as their own?

Patience. If it’s one thing I DON’T have, it’s patience. But when I do actually get into my thoughts through the thick of it and tell my mind to be patient, it allows me to take a step back, breathe, and reassess. Find like minded women, who can support you and also who you can support. A lot of the times, friends of mine who are moms have reached out to me directly asking for advice, but in a way… me talking about my experience to others helps me more than it helps them. Don’t be discouraged or feel embarrassed. Normalize anxiety in a way that you teach your children the importance of getting through a feeling rather than suppressing it. Look into your own way of finding peace so that when your child starts to have that feeling, you have a clear mind to help them through it.

*Photos courtesy of Trisha Warren