Bubbles Bermudez: Boss Moves

A Single Mom’s story on taking control of her life

It’s 12 midnight and I’ve been trying to figure out where to start with my story.

Hi, I’m Bubbles, and I am part of what people call a modern family. I was 18 when I met my soon to be husband. It was a typical story. He was 3 years my senior and I was a freshman in college. We’d known each other for a couple of years. He was my older sister’s friend and he was the resident bad boy in college. Girls swarmed around him, the boys worshiped him.

He swept me off my feet and 6 months later, I got pregnant. As I got those two scary lines on that plastic stick, I thought to myself, “I’m in deep shit.”

Another 6 months later, we got married. I was 20. I didn’t know what the fuck I was getting myself into but all I knew was that I loved him. I’m not gonna go deep into actual events, but in a nutshell, and 3 beautiful sons after, I found myself wanting to get out. It was a roller coaster ride, to say the least. You can say we went through everything. With him being a frat man, trouble followed us everywhere. I’ve gone through riots, hits, deaths, a drive-by shooting, and numerous issues about women.

Our marriage survived everything, but not the women. My ex-husband loved women, no doubt, up until the last affair, which had proven to be the strongest and deepest relationship he had outside of our marriage. I had become resentful of the 15 years we were together. I felt abandoned and practically took care of our kids on my own. We were young and stupid, and as we got older, we grew further and further apart. I didn’t feel loved, and in return, I lost respect for him.

During the last 3 years of our marriage, I fought tooth and nail to win. I thought I was doing it to save our marriage. I wanted to WIN. I simply didn’t want to lose to this woman who came into our lives. To me she was the home wrecker who wanted to take everything away from me. I didn’t realize until a few years after I left him that I was driven by one thing during those last 3 years, EGO. There wasn’t a day that I didn’t give him hell. Not a day that I didn’t punish him for it. My kids had become collateral damage in this fight to win. I had neglected them and devoted all my time to spying, investigating, and basically going ape shit.

I felt exhausted by the whole situation. I had lost my sense of self. I resented him for taking away my youth. I resented my kids for making me feel trapped. I dove deep into the rabbit hole of depression and hatred. Yes, I hated him. But worse, I hated myself.

I got up one day and I realized I had lost and I wanted out. I woke him up and told him in a calm and very stoic manner that I was leaving. His dad gave us that house, so I knew that he would never leave. But more than that, I just wanted OUT. I needed to get out of that house fast. I left my kids with him. I’ll probably get judged for this, but I needed to find myself. As cliche as that may sound, I just didn’t recognize myself anymore.

I was 33 when I walked out of that door. When I walked out of that life. I was scared, broke, and depressed. But I felt liberated. It took me so long to leave because I was so scared to start all over again.

I went back to my parents and stayed with them for 8 months. My ex kept threatening to keep my kids away from me. He made it known that I was “not allowed” to date. Men who knew him clearly understood not to even try anything with me. I felt like a marked woman who was not allowed to live my life freely. On top of that, I would occasionally get into fights with his mistress.

But I knew I needed to pick myself up and get back on my feet. I was deep into the study of Kabbalah at that time, and my mentors helped me deal with all of my issues. I had grown to learn that in order to become a better version of myself, I needed to stop the blame and take accountability for my actions. To accept that any relationship is a two-way street. That I needed to be the cause of my own effect, because during that time, I blamed him for my actions. I blamed my anger on him because of what he did. I had become the effect of his cause. I went into that marriage thinking I could change this bad boy. I was wrong. My spiritual and healing journey taught me that we are not here to change anyone. We are here to simply work on ourselves. We are here to be proactive and not reactive. It was then that I realized how I contributed to the end of our marriage.

For many years, I worked a lot on myself. I got to know myself again. I saw professionals from psychologists, to healers, and mentors. I had become a Reiki master myself. I even got into life coaching. I learned what I was good at, what value I brought to people. But most importantly I learned to forgive. I started with forgiving myself. I knew I had to before I could even forgive them. I made the first move to reconcile with them. We’ve had countless conversations and fights along the way. It certainly did not happen overnight. There was effort on their part as well. I also needed to repair my relationship with my kids especially with my eldest son, Liam.

Undeniably, up until this day, I still haven’t forgiven myself for leaving my 3 boys. But they know and feel that I live for them and for myself. With God’s grace and love, I have become a bigger person than that massive problem that haunted me for years. I strongly believe that for as long as my faith is strong, my God will always be bigger than any hurdle I face. With the help of my ever supportive family and friends, I found myself crawling out of that rabbit hole. I was also surrounded by a lot of strong women in my family, close circles, and support groups. This gave me so much hope.

The moment I forgave, the blessings came. When I shifted the energy that I was putting out I attracted the same exact energy in return. Business opportunities came pouring in and I had become this empowered woman ready to face the world. I gained back my confidence and there was no stopping me. I even had another chance at love. Although that relationship ran its course and ended recently, I find myself still grateful for the lessons and for the moment we had together. I am back to working on myself again, hopeful that I will become an even better version. My sister calls it Bubbles 3.0. Lol

So, here we are in 2020, faced with an invisible enemy called Ms. Rona (just trying to make it sound less scary). My ex and i have dinners together, with our kids and his new family. We share laughs and experiences in one table, while his daughter sits on my lap, and I feel at peace.

I learned, throughout the years, that I spent all my life chasing after happiness. But what I realized, when I turned 43 a month ago, was that happiness is just a by-product of being at peace with the self. So if I’m at peace with myself, with who I am, flaws and all, then that peace will consequently lead to happiness . So, really, peace is the ultimate goal for me now. I’m not there yet, but I have grown a whole lot from that experience. I have learned to love myself once again and if I can survive that, I can survive anything.

*Photos courtesy of Bubbles Bermudez