The Deal With Domestication

A Stay-At-Home-Mom perspective in raising kids & defying limitations

We expect women to work like they don’t have children, and raise children as if they don’t work.

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Trying to recall what motherhood was like in my 20’s comes with a range of emotions. I had a really good time, but often felt depleted. Between scrambling to compensate for time I spent away from my son, and trying to excel at work (which consisted of late nights and long hours), the guilt over trying to make something for myself instead of just being a mom 24/7 was constant. I often wondered if domestication would suit me better, and when I decided to have more kids in my 30’s, I was more than happy to give up my career.

Well, I’ve done it. Nearly four years in, I’ve reached a verdict. Being in lockdown for nine months practically left me (and pretty much everyone else in Covid-19 affected countries) no choice either. The whole world basically got a massive dose of the SAHM experience, and the reactions weren’t short of spectacular. 

No shit, it’s hard. I can’t believe it was even surprising. Parents who normally worked were forced to attend to their kids around the clock, and they were caught completely off guard. Justin Timberlake even said, “We’re mostly commiserating over the fact that we… just, 24-hour parenting is just not human.” (what?!)

I’m curious to know what his ideal number for parenting hours is per day. I mean, does it reach double digits or not even? Even with a nationwide lockdown in place, the default parent (the usual caregiver between the two) still clocked in way more hours than the other. Nothing concrete, but it’s been mentioned that divorce rates were through the roof in the US. I’ll let you think what you will with that one. 

MOTHERHOOD IS THE EQUIVALENT OF TWO AND A HALF FULL-TIME JOBS

So yes, it’s taxing, and extremely demanding. No matter what’s going on, something needs to be done at all times. It’s a constant flow of errands, chores, preparations, or doing some sort of something for other people, leaving so little room for oneself. Needless to say, it can really take a toll on a person’s psyche. 

Taking care of your family can be fulfilling for a lot of parents, but in many cases, it can make you feel stuck. It’s hard to see the fruit of your labor on a day-to-day basis, and the exhaustion makes it difficult to see even the little wins at times. The monotony of being on loop can be discouraging, and blurs the line between duty and accomplishments. 

You don’t see making three meals a day, plus snacks, as a success. Same thing goes for bath time, bedtime, and cleaning up. We don’t applaud ourselves when we comfort our children in times of distress, or in making them laugh during playtime, reading the same book twelve times, or when we repeatedly build the blocks they insist on knocking down every 5 seconds… and we sing this same tune, day in and day out. Every. Single. Day.

We get so caught up in filling everybody else’s cups that we forget to check if there’s even anything in ours. The obligation feels relentless, and as much as you crave for personal space, there never seems to be enough room for it. 

TIMES ARE CHANGING

What I’ve learned from being in quarantine, however, is that there’s actually plenty of room for everybody. Setting boundaries and prioritizing a certain number of tasks for the day can make all the difference in maintaining your sanity and keeping things balanced. Remembering that you don’t have to do it all helps, too. 

You see, the deal with domestication is that it was a standard that was set centuries ago. It was a different time! We’re all familiar with the way women were taught to know their place and how being ladylike has almost nothing to do with how ladies really behave. Well, all of that play a huge role in the way society perceives mothers. While some moms revel in it (and execute their duties to perfection), it’s gotta be said that these ideals are severely outdated and old fashioned, at best. 

You often feel tired, not because you’ve done too much, but because you’ve done too little of what sparks a light in you.

Alexander den heijer

YOU CAN DO IT ALL, JUST NOT ALL AT THE SAME TIME

There’s a revolution in the works and the ways of the world are changing. Women have stepped up their game, encouraged to be whatever they want to be— and if motherhood is part of that equation, it should not be seen as a limitation. Our children are not the problem.

Let this be a life you choose if, and only if, you feel it’s right for you. There are no rules set in stone that say you are damned to give up on your dreams once you have kids. But if you decide to do so, like I have for the past four years, do it with absolute pride. Because raising your children might just be the most important thing that you do— and now the world knows just how superhuman you can be, and wonder in awe how you manage to pull it off so effortlessly (some days, anyway).    

When the little ones go off to preschool, and you can afford yourself some time to gather your thoughts in silence during the day… the next phase of your life will begin. 

Unless we’re all still homeschooling, that is.
But i guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.

Feature Image via Pinterest