Anna Ong is a force to be reckoned with. You feel her presence when she walks into a room, but beneath the surface of the ultimate boss is a loving and nurturing mother. Nicknamed Mamasun, she not only takes care of her beautiful family but her warmth and devotion extend to those she takes under her protective wing.
We reached out to Anna to talk about her experience as a mother, raising three kids with her husband, Erick, but particularly, her eldest; Lucas, is 16 years old, and he’s gay. We dive into the fear and the joy of raising a gay child in today’s society and the importance of a solid support system. As we celebrate and applaud their family for overcoming barriers of uncertainty, we hope to give some insight into the lives of LGBTQ+ families and spread awareness of the issues that affect them.
To start, we’d like to ask how you found out that Lucas was gay?
It was when he was two that we started noticing little things, like color preference and little mannerisms, which we didn’t really give much meaning to since he was only two. But as he approached puberty, it was apparent that he was most likely gay. Then when he was 11, Erick and I felt that it was time to reach out to him as we didn’t want him to have a difficult time. It must be a daunting task to do – talk to your parents about your sexual preference at a young age. So after many months of discussing and mulling it over, Erick and I agreed that it would be me to approach Lucas first.
So… I invited him for a chat and just outright said, “Lucas, we know you’re gay.”
He had some tears, and so did I, but at the end of the conversation, we promised each other that we would work as a team. Then we laughed and hugged and found ourselves excited to start a new chapter in our lives.
Off the top of your head, what emotions did you initially have when he confirmed it?
Fear.
Fear of (and uncertainty about) how the world would treat our son.
Did you have a conversation about this with your husband? Did this have an impact on your relationship?
Erick and I normally don’t have any fights or arguments unless we are put in an environment that gives us stress. And Lucas being gay was definitely an issue for both my family and his. Both sides are conservative… maybe one is slightly more than the other. So yes, it did affect our relationship. BUT… as soon as both families were able to accept it, this was no longer an issue.
Having two younger children, is this something you had to discuss with them? If so, what did you explain to them?
Nope. I didn’t feel the need to, as I needed them to understand on their own that there is nothing wrong with their Ahia. If I went out of my way to explain to them why their Ahia is the way he is, then maybe it would be perceived as an illness or an abnormality. They can see with their own eyes, and they can make their own observations. And yes, there is nothing wrong with their Ahia.
The only time I needed to explain was when Isaac, who is Lucas’ younger brother, came home from school and asked me if I knew Lucas was gay. Here is how that conversation went:
Mom: Hey, Isaac! How was school?
Isaac: School was ok. By the way, did you know that Ahia is gay?
Mom: Of course! Why? Do you have a problem with that?
Isaac: Of course not!
Mom: Great! Now go take a shower and get ready for dinner.
I’m not sure if this is the right approach, but it seemed to work for us. We want normalcy, not pity.
Did you turn to other people for support? Or did you discuss this with close family or friends?
All the time! As early as 2004 (Lucas was 2), I would tell my friends that my son was gay just to get it out there so they wouldn’t look at him with judgment. I wanted everyone to know that we were ok with it and that they need not feel sorry for us. Such a weird thing to feel, but I guess I just wanted everyone to know that IT’S OK. I no longer feel this way, as I realized that I shouldn’t really care about what other people think. But thinking about it now, it really helped me deal with the situation since the more I talked about it, the more confident I became.
As time went by, we would always tell our story to our gay friends. I guess I needed validation that what we were doing was not damaging Lucas but building him to be a strong, confident, and loving person.
Also, Erick and I are lucky that our support group, such as our siblings, was very supportive from the start.
What do you think is kind of a common “ignorant” question that is asked/statement that is said that people really aren’t aware of is inappropriate?
Paano sya nagging bading? [Translation: How did he become gay?]
Why did he choose to be gay?
Maybe he’s gay because you didn’t give him toy guns when he was a child?
Ok lang ba sa inyo? [Translation: Is this okay with you?]
The list goes on….
Were there resources online that you thought were useful?
I didn’t go online for help. Instead, I went to a psychologist specializing in children’s behavior. I will never forget that day as it was an eye-opener for me in particular.
The psychologist asked me what my fears were, and I said that I was scared about how the world would treat my son.
She told me this:
“Children are resilient. They can handle most of the pressures outside the home for as long as they come home to a loving, accepting family. And if they do not have this home environment, the chances of them being suicidal is great.”
This immediately changed the way we saw things, as I cannot imagine my child committing suicide just because we weren’t able to give him a home that is loving and accepting.
Do you have a close LGBTQ+ community that you rely on for advice when you can’t relate to what your son may be going through? How important is it to have a support system that understands what you and your son might be going through?
I do! So lucky to have the Elephant Kids. Shout-out to you guys for being there whenever I talk about my Lucas. I also recall talking to Angelo Villanueva (aka Supermodel Diva) about this early on. I don’t recall exactly what he told me, as it was so long ago, but I do know that he supported our decision of talking to Lucas at the age of 11.
As a mother, what have you learned about yourself during your journey in raising a gay son in a society that isn’t so open?
I’ve learned that I can be aggressive when people used to call Lucas names or look at him strangely – I would glare back, or worse – shout at them for calling him “bakla”. That doesn’t happen these days since Lucas knows how to handle ignorant people. But, when he was younger, I used to get so affected.
I’ve learned that I am surrounded by awesome friends and family.
I’ve learned to put things into perspective and not to be too critical about little things.
What would you want parents who are going through this for the first time to know?
1. Try not to focus on what other people will think. This will definitely cause you anguish.
2. Think about how you can raise your child without insecurities and the knowledge that he can be anything he wants to be.
3. Be gentle with words.
4. If it makes you feel better – speak to a professional.
5. Express your fears and worries to close friends who are supportive and not judgmental.
6. Be kind to yourself – your son is gay, not because of something you did while he was growing up. He was most likely born gay.
7. Acceptance and understanding are key.
8. You cannot PRAY THE GAY AWAY.
9. Having a gay son is fabulous. Trust me.
We know you two are pretty close. How have you been able to keep such a strong bond throughout his teen years? Lucas is very confident in who he is. We def want to give you credit for that. Please share with us what words of wisdom you have passed on to your children to get them into a confident headspace.
I wish we could take all the credit for why Lucas turned out to be so confident. To be honest, we took his lead. From the early years, he was patient with our ignorance. He allowed us to find our way – and we did!
Although I did not say this to him verbatim, I do try to show him little by little, through our occasional talks and by example.
Understand that not everyone will be as accepting, and that’s ok.
Respect yourself.
Respect everyone around you.
What is something you’d like to see changed in our society in the way they view or communicate with LGBTQ+ children? (or even adults for when they grow up)
With education comes knowledge. With knowledge comes enlightenment. Parents who are homophobic will most likely impart their ignorance to their children. We shouldn’t leave it to the schools to educate our children about discrimination and hate towards any group of people. It is up to us parents to raise children who are free of racism.
For future young gay children—I want a world that allows them to “walk funny” or dress in pink. Or sing The Little Mermaid song and not be bullied for it.
Photographs by: Elena Ortega
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