Life Lessons From My Dad

THE UNCONVENTIONAL COOL

My childhood wasn’t normal. There are stories about the way i grew up that sound unbelievable, it would be hard to convince people i wasn’t lying. It just seemed like my dad was always up to some sort of grand scheme to make life more interesting.

He was very involved, big on participation, the kind of guy that kids naturally gravitated towards. He has that kind of aura. We grew up with occasional “family meetings” and daily check-ins to make sure everyone was doing okay.

Every now and then, he would surprise us with some wild idea that I’m sure drove my mother crazy. Like the time he decided to tie my bike to the back of the car, and pulled me behind him as he drove off. He did shit like that. I ended up wiping out and suffered minor injuries, but that’s beside the point.

CHILDHOOD SHOULD BE FILLED WITH MAGIC

I have a photo of my brother and me wearing a costume made of leather at a school party. When i asked my dad about it, he said it was a last-minute, makeshift DIY ensemble (complete with matching masks). He made it just so we could attend our kindergarten Halloween party in a costume. No specific character or anything, just a random made-up outfit. I learned early on that my dad wasn’t like other dads.

When i was three years old, my dad built us a jungle gym that rose nearly 3-storeys high. My cousins and i spent most of our outdoor time playing on that thing without any safety regulations.

For a few years, we lived in Laguna and my dad built us a race track to ride our bikes on. The land was the size of a soccer field and the track circled around a vegetable garden, a water well, a nipa hut, a geese pen, and a massive tree house, with about fifty white rabbits just roaming the grounds. He built us that tree house himself, complete with a pair of swings and a trapeze bar for us to use. I was eight years old.

The summer right before my 13th birthday, he organized a summer camp right outside Baguio. We had a zip-line that connected two mountains, and i rode for hours on horseback, lost in complete wilderness. These were the sort of things i remember about growing up. The magic that he made happen.

FREEDOM ISN’T FREE

He had his own way of doing things. He said raising kids was kind of like a science experiment. My siblings and I are the result of his trial and error methods. Readjustments in parenting style happened over time and my parents became a lot nicer with every child they had.

It was a very liberal household. We earned our freedom through good grades or by doing chores. We only discovered how far we could take it by testing our limits. Which was the sky, apparently. I realized at a very young age that I didn’t live by the same rules as the other kids I was growing up with.

There were very few restrictions, but that’s not to say we were never punished. We learned about cause and effect as children, and consequences came in the form of a belt, a wooden paddle, slippers, or a bamboo stick.

We usually got in trouble for the typical 80’s stuff- not finishing your food, refusing to nap, or throwing rocks at your sister. Almost all of which aren’t even an issue for kids these days.

A SMOOTH SEA NEVER MADE A SKILLFUL SAILOR

Of course, growing up wasn’t always tree houses and magic. We hit a devastating slump in the midst of my teen years that propelled my angst to another level. As my dad worked to keep our heads above water, his optimistic mindset stayed strong. I found myself with more free time than ever before and went on my way to discover what the world had to offer. I was sixteen years old.

I know it sounds like a dream; a teenager with virtually zero rules. But what it also meant was that I was free to make all the mistakes. With every impulsive decision, and my astonishing lack of discernment, that is exactly what I did- all the mistakes. If things got out of hand, i always tried to handle it on my own. I thought that as long as i learned my lesson, i was still in control.

One of those lessons came in the form of pregnancy. An enormous responsibility too early in my youth. This one was life changing. I was too scared to admit to my parents that i fucked up, and i couldn’t stomach their disappointment.

But my parents came through for me on that one. They were both so supportive, it made me feel ridiculous that i pretty much destroyed myself thinking about how i was going to tell them. I felt like I had squandered their trust, and I wanted to make it up to them by making sure I did motherhood right. Little did i know that my dad was going to be the main father figure in my son’s life for a very long time.

REST IF YOU MUST, BUT DON’T YOU QUIT

I was never pressured into marriage because my dad believed that one mistake did not warrant another. Given that i had only been in that relationship for a little over a year, he didn’t think it was necessary to commit to something I wasn’t sure of. If i had to rank my top 3 best decisions ever made in my life, that would be one of them.

He also made it clear that while having an unplanned pregnancy was downright irresponsible, the child, however, would be a blessing, regardless of how you looked at the situation. This became my guiding light all throughout single-motherhood, especially on days when it felt extra hard.

FAMILY FIRST

Mistakes are inevitable. Every single one of us have been through some type of hardship as a result of something we did wrong. That’s not exactly a secret. My dad allowed me to make so many mistakes in life, but made it clear to never settle. Learn the necessary lessons and move on.

He made me believe that I deserved the world. He always stressed the importance of quality over quantity, so my standards were usually set very high. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing, but what i do know is that seeing the way he cared about his family laid down the foundations for the kind of father I wanted for my children. That was something I learned was non-negotiable.

That’s the goal, right? That if you plan to raise a family, it would be with someone you absolutely adore, and at the same time, is willing to put in the work as a parent, and as your partner? There are so many qualities that make a great dad, but what i learned from mine is that nothing beats a father who is willing to be there for his children. This was something that I weighed out heavily when I made the decision to have more kids.

LEARN YOUR LESSONS WELL

My childhood wasn’t normal. I didn’t fully understand everything as it played out when i was growing up, and i can only speculate with what i know now. You can mess up as much as you want, but you have to learn to live with the consequences of your actions. It doesn’t have to a be a bad thing. Life is what you make it, and there are very few perks to be found in playing it safe. My Dad taught me that.

*Photos from the Arvisu Family archives.
L-R Top: Family photo, Kindergarten Halloween Party, Horseback on Magic Mountain
L-R Bottom: DIY Halloween costume with a classmate, our 3-storey high jungle gym, the framework of our provincial treehouse.

---

To the single mother being celebrated for Father’s Day- take the celebration and by all means, revel in it. Because we all know that shit is hard, and doing a job that requires 2 people is a herculean feat that deserves the recognition. You are more than enough.

To the step dad learning how to fit into a young one’s world… your presence makes all the difference, and the value you bring into their life is immeasurable

For all the dads that are doing whatever they can to bring magic into their children’s lives, your efforts, though underrated, never go unnoticed. You will always be King.