Many are so quick to praise a father that helps out around the house, while they consider it normal and actually expect a mother to do the same household work. I sense this a lot, especially living in the Philippines. Young adult Filipinas are often told, “Marunong ka na mag-luto, pwede ka na mag asawa.” (You know how to cook now, so you can get married)
As if knowing how to cook was a prerequisite for a woman to get married. I was told this at 15, when I made fried chicken for the first time. Yes, it was an inappropriate joke, and the person saying it, meant as a compliment, was really trying to say, “Nice job with the chicken”. But my teenage self recognized the bullshit truth behind the comment.
Men are expected to bring home the bacon. Women are expected to cook it.
Nowadays, people are waking up to the fact that it is no longer cool to hold mothers responsible for everything related to homemaking and parenting. Actually, it was never cool to place unfair expectations on another human being based on their gender, and people are becoming more privy to the injustice of assuming gender roles. Yes, women have the boobs for breastfeeding. But we also have high-pressure jobs, and businesses to run, on top of households to manage, children to raise, and dinners to cook.
In my household, my partner and I split the work and I’m really lucky to have someone that I can rely on to be an actual partner. Sounds terrific, doesn’t it? It wasn’t always like that! We didn’t always work well as a team and in hindsight, I have to admit that I found it difficult to ask for help. Why? For a couple of reasons:
1. I thought that if my partner was a decent human being, he should recognize (aka mind read) that i was struggling and needed help.
2. I felt tremendous pressure to take on everything because I thought that was a “mother’s” job.
Both of these notions were toxic for me, and led me down a debilitating road of resentment, anxiety and unrealistic expectations of myself and my partner. We argued a lot. Being a parent is already challenging enough on its own, but being a parent and resenting your partner is a recipe for disaster. Throw in lack of sleep and a screaming toddler to the mix, and you’ve got yourself a full scale war zone.
There were a lot of assumptions floating around between us about the value of what each of us did, or what we brought to the table. Who was getting more sleep. Which one is working harder (aka who is more tired). How much money are you bringing in (this is a big one for a lot of families). Yikes.
If you’ve never been alone in a house with small children to take care of, you might not have an accurate idea of the level of skill and management it takes to keep the house from going up in flames. All my fellow mommas will probably agree with me when i say: Taking care of your children is not an easy task! It’s not even just one task. Taking care of children is actually a mountain of tasks. They are never ending and some even have to be done while doing another (multi-tasking, anyone?). Unfortunately, parents do not receive salaries for raising their children. Quite literally, it is a life long, 24/7, high-risk, pro-bono project. Yet, its value is priceless.
Despite these facts (yes, they are facts), many place more value and worth on the parent who rakes in the most dough, while the other parent, who is left to take care of the home and kids, is stuck with the position of an undervalued and underappreciated supporting role. More often than not, we forget that the core reason one parent is able to even venture out into the world and pursue their career is completely dependent on the other parent who holds it down at the home front.
It’s no secret. Men tend to take the leading role, and in these instances, many of us women are left with being deemed as “just a mom”.
The way we were raised also has a significant impact on our views regarding household work. Luckily, I was raised by a fiercely independent woman who migrated from the Philippines to Canada, first. Then, to the US, all by herself, and started working 2-3 full-time jobs. My mom was either working or sleeping. I didn’t get much household training and had to learn a lot of it in adulthood.
My partner’s mom was the same type of beast- a boss lady, who juggled a high-pressure job in finance, plus a household of 7 (yes, girl, SEVEN) children. She once told me that she made it a point to be the one to do all of the grocery shopping for her family. I was astonished.
Having such strong matriarchal role models definitely raised the momhood bar for me, and to this day, I hold myself to the high standards that they have set. However, I’ve also learned that I can’t compare myself to others. It’s important to understand that when I need help, I need help. My partner currently does the grocery shopping for us because that’s what works for us. We play to our strengths.
Assuming outdated gender roles wouldn’t work for us anyway. I can’t clean for shit – I never learned how to do it properly, and it just takes me too long. I easily get frustrated with the task and my partner is quick to handle all of that. On the flip side, doing repairs around the house is totally my forte, and I feel a surge of endorphins when I analyze a problem and find a solution for it. Those types of tasks come easy to me and I’m happy to take them on. Is it weird to see a man equipped with mops and rags while his counterpart is armed with drills and pliers? Maybe. Does it mean he is emasculated? Fuck no! It’s what makes sense for us.
Communication, communication, communication.
It took a lot of reflection, patience, and love to come to a place in our lives where we felt like we were playing on equal grounds. But most notably, it took hours upon hours of talking to each other! Honestly, we talk so much- and because we are still learning how to communicate with each other, we have to practice that much more. We’re 10 years strong as parents together, and things are going pretty smoothly. Our past conflicts really boiled down to poor communication. These days, when we struggle with our responsibilities (or anything), we know to speak up.
Now, how to communicate effectively… i suppose that’s a whole ‘nother blog entry.
Feature Image via Pinterest
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