A Single Mom’s Non-Negotiables

For single mothers, the decision to open up and accept love comes with new Terms & Conditions

As a single mom for most of my son’s life, I would receive greetings from friends and family on Father’s Day. I took it as a joke, at first, and then later on considered it to be a badge of honor— hell yeah, I was doing the work of both parents, so I might as well bask in its glory! At the same time, it was a reminder of what was perceived to be “missing” from our life. I would let my thoughts wander to how different it would have been if he had someone there for him that wasn’t just his mother. 

It was a long (looooooong) time before I even considered opening up to the possibility of sharing my life with someone. I was completely closed off to the idea. As my son got older, I felt as though my chances were only getting slimmer because… who in their right mind really thinks about being with a single mom and taking on an instant kid? Grim and old-fashioned as that might sound, it’s true. That’s all crossed our minds at one point or another. 

Well, if you’ve followed along with my story, you know that I did eventually end up with someone (in his right mind). We even decided to have kids together— two girls in under two years. As happily ever after as it seems now, it didn’t quite start out like a fairy tale. I actually put him through the wringer (but if you ask him, he might tell a different story). I know I didn’t make it easy for him (far from it), but I obviously had my reasons. 

A Happily Ever After means having to beat the villains

The more I heard from other single moms about the how’s and why’s of deciding to open themselves up to the idea of finding someone to spend their lives with, it dawned on me that we had far more in common than just kids and a broken relationship. We have gone through the wringer ourselves, and that has some pretty serious effects on how we view ourselves and the concept of “finding love” again. 

It begs the question, “Why do we, as women and mothers, measure our value based on circumstances we have no control over?” 

Do you fall under any of that? 

How about we flip all of it and say, “Because I’ve been through that, I know what I am capable of, I know my worth, and I know exactly what I want.” 

The truth is that once we emerge out of that dark hole we dug ourselves into, we begin to see things in a new light— that we deserve a happily every after, too. If that’s what you want.

We’ve undergone a bit of an upgrade

Obviously, the rules are a little different for us, keeping in mind that the decision not only affects us, but our kids, too. Being a single mom on the frontlines of parenthood can take its toll. There’s some inner turmoil that had to be dealt with. We may come across as “closed off”, but I sincerely believe that our standards have just leveled up— which means earning our time and attention comes with a bit of fine print. The Terms & Conditions of winning us over have been refined and specified, and regardless of how anyone feels about it— these are non-negotiable. 

Our children will always be our priority

This goes without saying, but I guess it bears repeating. At the forefront of our minds, we worry about how our kids will feel if we bring in someone new— and then much later on, the heartbreak if things don’t actually work out. That’s not ridiculous, that’s really just being thorough. 

We unconsciously measure their dad-like tendencies, and while gaining brownie points with our children may not be the only way to win our hearts, it certainly counts for a lot. There are big shoes to fill (ours), and we need to make sure it’s the right fit.

We move on our own time

Best believe, we know what we’re getting into (or at least we’d like to think so). If and when we decide to introduce someone to our inner circle (let alone, our children!), we call the shots when the time is right. 

Rescheduling meet-ups, cancelling altogether, or simply saying we don’t have the time are all part of the package. We may be cautious, we could have doubts, or we’re just scared shitless. Whatever the reason may be, it doesn’t warrant an explanation, because we need to feel ready. Nobody gets to decide that for us, except us. (Although a little nudge from our closest friends might help a little)

We’ve built walls higher than the one keeping White Walkers out

What can I say? Haunted by the mistakes of our past, we’ve built reinforcements to make sure that shit doesn’t happen again. These walls are high, and they’re sturdy AF. Letting someone in means we’ve thought this through to the tee, and we won’t hesitate to throw ’em over at the slightest sign of a red flag. 

We might also panic a little once they’re over the top, and that could get weird. Just sayin. 

Truth be told, we’re most likely still working out some issues. This might be the toughest one to crack. 

We aren’t used to being taken care of or asking for help

That’s just how we’ve been programmed up to this point. We do the caring, not the other way around. We will cuss under our breath, begrudgingly stomp around, and still say nothing is wrong when asked. I don’t know— we’ve just gotten used to it. This is why communication is key, but prying the door wide open for us to bear our soul doesn’t come easy.

We’ll slowly come to terms with the fact that they’re not mind readers. We’ll eventually need to learn how to delegate tasks (no guarantee this will happen quickly). But in the beginning, we kind of have to test out the waters in allowing others to take care of us for a change and not feel guilty about it. You feel me?     

What you see is what you get

We’re past the bullshit, and having kids sort of lowers our tolerance for it. On an average day, I might feel more of a train-wreck than the mess inside my house, and my body won’t let me forget about how I birthed children into this world. We all have our insecurities.

There’s also the matter of the Jekyll & Hyde persona (that’s the balance between I-love-my-kids-no-matter-what and I’m-losing-my-shit-get-them-away-from-me). One cannot exist without the other, and this will be exposed soon enough. 

The good news is that once you get past this introduction, there aren’t that many unexpected surprises left to uncover. Also, as the now-father-of-my-children puts it— they see how you are as a mother, which is not the case for most people. The important thing is that you are fully accepted for exactly who you are— mom-buns, mom-rage, unkempt house, et al. 

We’ve learned not to settle

There’s power and clarity that comes with honoring our truth. We own our story, and embrace the imperfections and kaleidoscope versions of ourselves with all the uniqueness and complexities that come with it.

We have learned that relationships do not complete us and we are in charge of our own happiness. The decision to bring someone into our lives, and that of our children, is not an easy one to make. It could take more than a few tries, and it’s definitely not the same as it would be without kids (in terms of time and energy).

But despite our fears and more than hefty concerns, being able to find the right person and allowing them into your life is absolutely worth it. Not because you need to press the reset button on what seems like lost time, nor is it to just be in a relationship— but because we are entirely human, and sharing our life with someone we adore can be one of the most amazing things in life. 

This is coming from the most cynical and skeptical of them all. I’m not even joking. Most of the time, it will feel like we aren’t ready. That’s more than okay. Working out our kinks can be hard, and it definitely takes a lot of work. But I hope that one day, soon enough, you will have the courage to let someone in and give you the right kind of love that you so freely give to others.

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Feature image by marshall_ink via fiverr.