I Needed To Heal

Losing my “perfect” family helped me learn to put myself first.

One of the most courageous decisions you will ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart & soul

Since I gave birth to my first child, I worked my ass off to provide for her. I had been a single mom for seven years, until I met someone I thought I’d be spending the rest of my life with. We had a child together, and I decided to be a stay-at-home mom. I gave up my job and career so I could focus on raising my kids “the normal way” and enjoy motherhood like a regular mom. I told myself that I didn’t want to miss out on the opportunity of raising kids the right way and having a family. And that was when the shit-show started.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

In the second year of being a stay at home mom, I started getting anxiety attacks. It felt like postpartum depression, so I blamed it on that. After two more years, it just got worse. My relationship with my partner was so bad, it became too toxic for everyone. We had to end our relationship, and the idea of a perfect, complete family— gone.

2020, felt like shit. Way too many things happened. The break-up crushed me, it felt like my world was falling apart. There was nothing I could do, and I felt helpless. I was so worried about my kids growing up with a broken family, I felt like I failed them as a mother. I hated myself, and I blamed myself for everything I had no control over.

As time went on, I realized the breakup was something I actually needed. I was too scared to leave even though there were so many times I thought about it in the five years that we were together. I just kept telling myself, “Stay together for the kids.”

I was scared to have a broken family. Scared for my kids, and the idea of having to start all over again on my own.

STARTING OVER

Days of feeling depressed, damaged, angry, and alone— I dreaded each day. I was too scared to wake up and face life not knowing what to do. The house felt empty, I felt betrayed and abandoned. But, I had no choice but to act strong and brave, because I had two kids watching my every move. Everyday, I found myself hiding in the bathroom, breaking down and crying my ass off. It was hard, but at the end, I realized it was something I had to go through to start the process that my mind needed since my first child was born. I had to heal. As ugly as it sounds, I had to feel broken again so I could rediscover myself.

We started co-parenting, and it was a struggle, at first. I was so used to having my kids with me everyday. I missed them as soon as I woke up, and not seeing them the whole day killed me. Going to bed not knowing how they were doing felt like torture. But as we got the hang of it, things started to get better.

I can’t be too selfish, their dad needs time with them, too. I mean, don’t get me wrong, he is an amazing dad. Things really just didn’t work out between us as partners. We realized we had become completely different people who were staying together and ignoring all of our issues, just because we had to raise our kids “together”.

GETTING TO KNOW MYSELF— AGAIN

In the process of healing, the one thing I had to learn was being selfish. I had to learn how to not feel guilty about being alone without them, or do things without them, or go to places without them. I began using all my time alone doing things for myself, things I never got to do, or chose not to do because I never thought I needed it. I used the time to feel all the hurt and let it all sink in, so I could process every trauma and hate that I needed to let go. Trauma from being a single mom with my first kid, my abandonment issues, and all the other things I had to go through from 2009 onward. Man, if I could type down all the shit I had to go through, it would take forever.

I finally had time to think alone and ask myself questions I should’ve sorted out in my twenties. Who are you? What do you want to do with your life outside of motherhood? What are the things that you want to do for yourself? Are you happy? I had to learn how to talk to myself better.

FINDING BALANCE

Motherhood distracted me from the things I needed to do for myself. I thought you were supposed to sacrifice everything for your kids and for your family, and that was the right way to do things. But it’s not. It wasn’t the right type of sacrifice, because I forgot to leave room for myself. It wasn’t the right balance. I lost my identity, I was so burned out, and it made me miserable.

I forgot about my personal goals, I forgot to take some time off, I forgot to love myself. The five years I spent being a stay-at-home mom killed me inside. It wasn’t for me. I love my kids to death, but I know I’m the type of woman who needs more than that to be happy. I can’t just clean, cook, and do housework all day. I needed to be out, I needed an outlet. I needed to make my own money again, and feel empowered as a woman. I needed to do things to make me happy which would eventually reflect back onto my children.

I AM DOING THIS FOR ME

I missed out on self discovery in my twenties since I had my first kid at 22, and now, I finally have time. The break-up was a blessing in disguise— I really believe that. It’s never too late to restart and love myself again, not as a mother, but as an individual. Healing is a process, and it takes time.

I know it will take a me while, and I know there will be moments where all my triggers will come back, but this time, I have to learn how to handle it better. I have to learn not be so hard on myself. I had so many detours, delays, and setbacks, but these are all lessons that teach me to be stronger. I know I will find my old self again, and in this process I will learn to love myself more. I will learn to prioritize my happiness whenever I can, and take no bullshit from anyone. I need to trust this journey, no matter how long it takes. I will keep going until I’m proud of myself again, and I’m in no rush.

Healing.
In my 12 years of motherhood, that word never really crossed my mind until 2020 happened. Doing this while taking care of my kids will be hard. But fuck it, they deserve a happy mom.