They say behind every strong man is an even stronger woman. So what happens when your relationship consists of two women? Well, that my friends, is what we’d like to call a power couple.
Amy & Hazel are a beautiful, married couple living in the Bay Area, where they raise their two daughters, Bubba and Genesis. Today, we talk to them about the beginning of their relationship, the importance of instilling values, and their take on the meaning of love.
Can you tell us about how your love story began?
AMY:
Both previously married to men, our love story began from a friendship into a mutual understanding that love is love and not defined by gender. In the midst of divorce, I found myself divvying up my assets and analyzing how my life came to be. I looked at all the material things that once made me happy have now collected dust and no longer served purpose.
I look back on the life that I once lived. In my prime, I achieved everything I set my mind to. Competing in pageants, traveling, graduating college, opening up a business and owning property. I was finding myself, my aspirations, my talents, my skill sets and my vision of what happiness was. I was more than content with my life. I felt like I had it all.
After achieving so much, marriage and a family was next on my list. When I finally married, the natural next step for me was to have children. Though I loved my husband with all my heart, I realized something was missing, and that was emotional support. Someone who I needed to be there for me, not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. I felt that I was missing that.
This is not to say that my husband did not provide that, but in a sense, I could not provide that to myself. In order to love someone, I believe you have to wholeheartedly love yourself before you can love someone else. I felt that I had to grow up and love me. What happened to my relationship was that I grew up and grew out of love for my husband. A sad but tragic epiphany but I knew that I owed it to him and myself that I could no longer be in a relationship with him. With that being said, we got a divorce and remain amicable and respectful to each other. We remain friends and there are no ill feelings towards one another. And so how mine and Hazel’s love story began was when both of us weren’t looking for love but happened to just fall into it.
Hazel and I have mutual friends and have known each other for years. When I finally decided to open up about my divorce, I found a lot of support from my friends, Hazel being one of them. Sometimes I felt like Hazel was doing too much; taking me out, wine and dine me, and calling me just to check up on me. At times, I felt like it was overwhelming, but the attention was nice. Never did I ever think anything of these gestures until one day my brother pointed it out and said, “Hazel has a girl crush on you”.
I laughed it off but taking a step back, I could see the effort. I was skeptical, scared, and nervous. Could this be? Is this really happening? I didn’t want to think about it too much but slowly, I could see the signs. The good night texts, the morning texts, the quick glances, the agreement in everything I did. I saw this, however, we never addressed it.
Until one night, on the phone, I asked Hazel, “Let’s talk about the elephant in the room. Do you like me? Do you like girls?”
She didn’t respond really but instead she texted me this:
“Top 10 reasons for my fears.
1. I pray for you more than I pray for myself
2. I worry if you don’t eat
3. I get sad when you’re sad
4. I’m happy when I see you
5. I find myself restless if I don’t talk to you before I sleep
6. I get happy when I see you smile, but happier knowing that I put it there.
7. I disregard everything around me when we talk
8. I find myself in a great mood because I know you’re there
9. I find myself looking for you, just because.
10. I don’t even care what it costs, who I hurt, or what I have to give up… As long as you are happy…
So yeah… I think I’m getting too attached to you… And I just think it’s weird and it’s scary, because I can lose you at any time and won’t know how much you really meant.. and yeah, I hate the fact that I feel like I need you…
I ask myself why already… And I just can’t figure it out either. So yeah… That’s it…
I didn’t wanna tell you because I didn’t want you to get weirded out… K.”
After reading her text, I was shocked, scared, nervous and happy. I didn’t know how to respond. What do I say? To be completely honest, I told Hazel, I have never been with a girl. I’m nervous. Scared. Petrified. But, I knew I was happy. I got giddy. I was nervous around her. I thought to myself, I would never know unless I try right? If this is a phase, let’s see.
I started dating Hazel and my feelings became stronger. More intense. I never felt this way before, and I realized, I felt alive! I felt adrenaline. I felt love. I felt overwhelmed with emotions. I realized, love is a feeling. An emotion so indescribable. A love, not just for myself, but for Hazel, and that was when I had my “aha moment”. This was the beginning of our love story.
For Hazel: Your eldest daughter is from your previous relationship, did you have a conversation regarding the change in family dynamics with your new relationship? How did that go? How did you feel about talking that over with Bubba?
HAZEL:
We had a conversation with Bubba a few weeks after. Seven weeks, to be exact. We took her to her first afternoon Tea Time experience. That’s where we told her. Then, we asked her what her thoughts were, and asked her if she was ok if we were to be together.
At this time, Bubba was old enough to know that gender was not the only thing love was based on. We had relatives in same-sex relationships, and explaining our relationship was not hard for her to understand.
I think the conversation went very well, bubba stayed with us all the time. (Her dad and I shared custody at the time)
I feel that Bubba was still working on her feelings about her dad and I going through our divorce. At that time, Alex and I had been separated for 11 months. She embraced Amy and I being in a relationship, but was still sad about both her parents not being together.
BUBBA gives insight:
To be completely honest, I knew from the get go what was going on. No one had to tell me. The moment we started sleeping at “Auntie Amy’s” house, I already knew about their relationship. When they told me, I was like, “oh yeah.”
They were shocked that I had already been aware.
I had already accepted my parents’ divorce & I wanted them to just be happy. I knew my parents weren’t happy together and they weren’t themselves anymore. I knew a divorce would create space between them, but that was the only way they’d find happiness within themselves. I’m beyond glad that both my parents found someone they can be happy with. There was no need for a talk ; All I want is for all my parents to be content with their lives. It doesn’t matter with who, male or female. As long as they are being true to themselves & are happy, I’m happy for them.
Now you mamas have two beautiful daughters! Do you think that discussing same sex marriage is a converstaion you need to have with both of your kids?
AMY:
I feel like the discussion about same sex marriage will be brought up eventually. Bubba already knows about it, so we don’t need to educate her on it. Genesis is still young. However, we would still have a conversation, because she knows that she has a mommy and a mum-mum. And when she is able to ask about marriage, we would instill in her that love is between two people, regardless of gender, race, religion or social status. When you find love in someone and feel safe, that in itself is a marriage.
HAZEL:
We stand strong in our belief that “Love is Love”
What made you decide to take the IVF route? Can you tell us how you reached that decision?
HAZEL:
I wanted Amy to have the whole entire Wife & Mother experience. We both decided that it would be a great idea to see a reproductive specialist. We did a few rounds of IUI before doing IVF. It was a roller coaster of emotions, but we are very blessed to have our Genesis Reign. The entire ordeal lasted about a year before we got pregnant with Genesis.
Did you feel any opposition from friends or family regarding your decision to try to have more children? If yes, how were you able to overcome that situation.
HAZEL:
We actually didn’t tell anyone that we were trying, but after we got pregnant, our families were very very happy and excited.
Genesis and Bubba are both quite spoiled and very loved by our entire family.
Do you ever question whether or not your relationship will affect the way society treats your kids?
AMY:
The thought has crossed my mind, however, I feel that society is evolving and changing in the way they think. Of course, I can’t expect people to be open minded all the time, however what I want to teach Genesis, especially, is that everyone is different and we have to respect that. Life might not be easy, however, we persevere and just be mindful. If people treat you differently, all you can do is stay true to yourself. Your family might be different than other families but that is what makes you unique.
HAZEL:
Yes, I used to be afraid that she will get bullied or teased at school because she has 2 gay parents, but after she started attending school, they welcomed us with open arms and I feel that her school tries very hard to be politically correct when addressing us in a group setting. They always say your husbands, wives, spouses, or partners.
I feel that living in the Bay Area is going to be easier for her as opposed to other cities and states that frown upon us. She will be amongst other kids with Gay parents.
Motherhood is hard enough, but for a gay couple, do you feel even more pressure to be the perfect parents because of the kind of scrutiny you could possibly attract, even if there is no basis for it?
HAZEL:
As a gay couple, I haven’t felt much scrutiny. I feel that there really isn’t any pressure for us to be better parents.I feel that because I had Bubba so long ago and people see that she’s quite an amazing kid, I get kudos for doing a great job raising her. Then I am automatically a great parent to Genesis in their eyes.
What values do you feel are important to instill in your children?
AMY:
Respect, mindfulness, integrity and love.
HAZEL:
I feel it’s very important to instill the values of self-love, integrity, honesty, and respect for your elders.
Self love to know that no matter what someone says or does to them, they will always know and not doubt themselves.
Honesty and integrity, because telling the truth will always get more respect, and doing the right thing will always keep their hearts at peace. Respecting all and respecting your elders have always been instilled to me by my parents. This is something I will also instill with my children because it’s important for my kids to know that that’s how I want them to be.
I want people to know that I am doing my best in raising them. How they turn out is a reflection on us and I’m not gonna let my kids turn out to be disrespecting jerks!
Is there anything else you would like to cover to perhaps give some insight for other parents who are going through similar experiences?
AMY:
Live your life and don’t worry about other people.
HAZEL:
If you are in a gay relationship, it’s harder than being in a straight relationship. You have to know that the odds are against you. The important thing to remember is that life will not be perfect. There will be plenty of ups and downs, Plenty of reasons why it would be easier to just walk away, but try to remember that the grass will always be greener where you water it. Be extra to get extra!!
EDITOR’S NOTE:
In comparison to the families we spoke with residing in the Philippines, we noticed that Hazel and Amy were able to express themselves with more ease and had a more carefree approach to our questions. This is a testimony to how far LGBTQ+ rights have come in certain parts of the world and the kind of acceptance we all continue to hope for. There’s still a way to go, and the fight for equality will not stop. We believe in love and respect for all, and there are no exceptions.
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