Eunice Alarcon: Forgiveness Liberates

It was a normal day at home when I received a phone call from my dad. He asked me to sit before he could tell me anything. I could barely catch my breath as I walked down the hallway towards the stairs; anxiety was rushing through my blood. Finding it hard to breathe, time stood still as it felt like someone pulled my heart out of my chest. My husband was having a long time affair. My whole world collapsed… it was gone. Just. Like. That.

He was living a double life, and I was living a lie. What seemed like the perfect family from the outside was really just a fabrication that I didn’t know I was living the entire time. I was in love with this person who didn’t exist. The moment I found out, I packed up our things, and took the next flight out to California the following morning with my daughter. She was only two at the time. Hoping he would come after us, I never unpacked our suitcases. I was living in pain and hope for the next few months.

Six months later, I found ourselves back in Manila giving my marriage a second chance. I wanted to fight for the marriage for the sake of our family. Soon after moving back, my intuition kicked in again and things weren’t feeling right. Gaslighting. Have you heard of this term? I hadn’t. I was living my own hell on earth. The moment I knew my daughter was being exposed to his continued affair, I wanted out. For good this time.

Guilt shadowed my every thought. If I stayed, I’d live a miserable life. If I left, my daughter would be away from her father. As each day passed, trying to make a decision for my daughter and myself, I was constantly questioning my own sanity because of all the manipulation and deceit. My mind literally felt sick, and I lost an extreme amount of weight from the high amount of anxiety I was experiencing. I’ll use the term again; gaslighting. Google it.

I struggled constantly with the thought of how selfish I was by leaving and flying back to California with our daughter. After all that happened, I still didn’t want to hurt him. I never wanted to hurt him. I didn’t leave to hurt him, I left to protect us.

Moving back to California for good meant starting over and building a new life. For months, I was in denial and, again, didn’t want to move out of our suitcases. I felt angry and thought that maybe he’ll realize things and come back for us again. Then, I would go into questioning all the things I could have done differently- If only I was a better wife soon after I gave birth, If only I did this… did that… I kept blaming myself for his infidelity.

I fell into a really deep depression. There were incredibly dark days, and during those dark days there were two beams of light that would save me – my daughter and my bible. I questioned God many times during this period in my life. Why? If you’re so good, why did you let this happen? Silent. I felt alone with no answers. Some days when the house was empty and my daughter was out with my parents; I’d yell at the top of my lungs. Why God. Why? Silence. Just silence.

There were mornings I didn’t want to move a single muscle. I was living on autopilot. My daughter was growing quickly with each passing day. She didn’t deserve a depressed mother. She never deserved any of it to begin with. As days passed and life moved forward, my daughter and I would experience a new normal. Pre-k back to school night (reservation for one), milestones for every ballet, gymnastics, and soccer class. I’d break down inside.

I thought of what “could have been” if we only stayed a family. I was grieving the loss of the ‘idea’ of our family. I became exhausted. My self-esteem was low. I didn’t believe I was worth anything. If I wasn’t good enough for the person I married, how could I be good enough for anything else. All that I ever was, was covered under those scars of emotional abuse. Those lies became my truth.

One morning, I looked in the mirror and tried speaking kind words to myself. I couldn’t. I was angry for allowing myself to get to this place. This incident here became my turning point. I made the choice to no longer live my life that way. I’ll repeat that again; ​I made the choice​ to no longer live that way. I grew up with strong family values and there was no way in hell I was going to let those lies or that divorce kill me.

I was given a second chance to start over. The chance to recreate myself into my purpose, not someone else’s. My purpose to not only live life the best I could, but to show my daughter that she can too – no matter what curve ball life throws at you. I choose to wake up every morning with that purpose and remember it in everything that I do, and with every person I meet. Make every day count.

Pain and experience opens up the heart and transforms your character to become the person you were always created to be… just more refined. I have met many women during my journey; one of them also experienced infidelity – I shared words of wisdom and love that I learned through my path to healing. Her marriage was saved. And if one marriage could be saved from my experience; I’d go through it all over again.

God was never silent, He was always pursuing me and protecting me. I would have never thought in a million years back then that I would ever say that (just a little FYI in case you’re growing through tough times). Forgiveness liberates. There’s a ​purpose​ to your pain. The question is, what will you do with it?

It has been 5 years since my separation and divorce. I have never felt so alive and blessed to be where my daughter and I are in our lives today. Through much co-parenting, my daughter has a loving father who still holds a place in my heart for blessing me with such a beautiful girl. Grateful for our amazing family and friends that continue to support us along the way. It truly does take a village. From my story to yours… I hope this finds you well.