Sorry, Not Sorry

The power in learning that you don’t always have to apologize

Conditioning. This is a term I used only in relation to my hair. However, in the past few years I began to hear it more and more in a completely different context. This is where I learned that I, like many others, had been taught to act, speak and treat others a certain way. I had to always be polite or only speak when spoken to. I’ve had teachers tell me not to “rock the boat” too much because people don’t like that. Well, I guess that’s where it all began.

A few years back I was randomly listening to a podcast that talked about the overuse of the word sorry. As I listened I began to feel attacked.
“What does she mean we shouldn’t say sorry so much? There is nothing wrong with saying sorry. I’m being polite!”
But the more I listened, the more I reflected.

I used the word ‘sorry’ often. The crazy part is that, 90% of the time, I hadn’t even done anything wrong. It was basically second nature. I would be in meetings and say things like, “Sorry, can I say something real quick?” When, in fact, I had every right to say something. Why did I need to include the word sorry in that question? Why was it even a question?! By doing this, I was making myself smaller so others would feel comfortable.

Have you ever heard a man say sorry before giving their idea in a business meeting? Or for giving their opinion, period? Chances are- you haven’t. It just doesn’t happen. You know why? Because they’re taught that their opinions matter.

Here is where it shifted for me. I was done shrinking myself to make everyone else feel at ease or less intimidated. I was gonna make sure my daughter didn’t fall into the same trap.

I am done being sorry.

I am not sorry that my opinions make you feel uncomfortable, but if you’re not my child it isn’t my job to provide you comfort.

I am not sorry you don’t agree with my parenting style. It works for us and that’s all that matters.

I’m not sorry that I don’t cover up when I’m breastfeeding my son. He doesn’t like to feel excluded, I’m sure you don’t either.

I am not sorry that I know what I want and am vocal about it. This doesn’t make me a bitch, it makes me human.

I am not sorry that I have too many goals. “Staying in my lane” isn’t always my thing.

Shame and guilt. Emotions tied to how I felt about who I truly was. Therefore, I hid behind the word sorry. I used it as a shield to protect myself. I never realized that people would weaponize my opinions, character, or ambition. It hurt to know that some people could be so cruel and selfish, but then I came to understand that they were also threatened.

You see, we all shine a light. When others see that, they react in two different ways. Some will be drawn to you and will bask in your rays of sunshine. Others (who have yet to find their own light) will feel outshone, or threatened, even if that isn’t your intention.

When our intentions are good, we have to ask ourselves, “Are my intentions too good?”
Too good, to the point that I am now people pleasing? This is where we begin to dim our light, stand in the corner, and apologize. I was sick of being backed into this corner. Worse, i was sick of allowing myself to be pushed into this corner.

More than ever, we’ve been hearing the term unlearning. Before this term was even on my radar, i began to implement it in my life. Everything that I was taught about keeping my mouth shut, prioritizing politeness over holding my ground, and knowing my place had to go. I forced myself to feel the discomfort of standing in my own power. I began to process that I was worthy enough to have a seat at the table. Eventually, i understood that I was fully capable of claiming my seat; at the head of the table.

What did I have to do to get here? The version of me that is completely unapologetic of who I am to the core? I had to completely unlearn the term “ladylike”. I stopped living a life based on other people’s expectations. I had to fully accept me and put an end to being sorry for wanting so much, for everything i believed i deserved, let alone basic human rights.

Yes, it was a process. It wasn’t easy. I had to start with accepting the ugly truth. Unlearn all of the teachings that conditioned me to believe that I should keep myself small. Then, I had to put it all into practice. Through trials and tribulations, I discovered a woman who could proudly say, “I am not sorry. This is who I am.”

Feature image via vsco.co/relatableteen