A crash course on being a “selfish mom”— taking some time for yourself that is as necessary as it is beneficial
Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean “me first”; it just means “me too”
When it comes to self-love, I consider myself a late bloomer. It’s always been so hard to be selfish and put myself before others, no matter how many Instagram quotes I see on my feed that instruct to just do you, boo. I would have never classified myself as a “selfish mom”.
I’m a girl mom of two, and as my kids have grown, so has the challenge of prioritizing myself. My mom radar senses you can relate. Although seldom verbalized, mom-judging is very palpable. Society expects mothers to embody martyrdom— completely selfless, sacrificing their own comfort and needs, without hesitation, for their offspring. Any form of selfishness can easily be interpreted as being a bad mom.
This may have worked in more ancient times, when survival rates were low and lifespans were even lower. Gone are the days where we need to be on the lookout, ready to throw ourselves between a wild, hungry predatory animal and our children (knock on wood). I believe it’s about time we focus a little more on ourselves without having to experience mom-guilt or the condemning judgement of others.
Letting go of the guilt and fear of judgement is difficult for me. This societal stain of mom-judging remains, and in the past, I have been quite guilty of a little mom-judging myself. It took conscious effort and experience, as a mom, to understand that taking time out for myself was not only acceptable, but actually mandatory.
Does that resonate with you? If you are like me, and overdosed on selflessness, you need not continue. As I learn and improve in shaking off martyrdom, I’m here to share entry-level, beginner ways I’ve used to take back a little more of myself, for myself.
DEDICATE A PORTION OF YOUR DAY TO JUST YOU
For me, this means waking up hella early and getting a couple hours of glorious alone time to uninterruptedly do whatever the fuck I want. For you, this allotted time doesn’t have to be in the morning, and it doesn’t even have to be every day. My uber-early mornings happen 3-4 times a week for me, and it’s honestly the best thing I’ve done for myself.
CHECK IN WITH YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CHECK YOUR NOTIFICATIONS
This is a biggie right here! My phone is constantly trying to grab my attention with notifications pulling me this way or that. Bill payment reminder. Kids’ activity at 6pm. Work obligation. Facebook comments. Before I check in on what other people need from me, I check in with myself first. How do I feel? What do I need to accomplish for myself? What will make me happy today? Being with myself, without my phone, sets the whole vibe for the day.
MAKE YOUR INNER CHILD HAPPY
During lockdown, appeasing my inner child came in the form of playing video games way past bedtime. Sometimes, I would let my kids in on the fun, and guess what— I wouldn’t let them win… all the time. For you, you might want to ride your bike around your neighborhood, blast 90’s music in your bedroom, or binge watch The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Whatever it is, make sure you do it like you just don’t give a fuck.
FIND A MEDITATION APP
Meditation has always been one thing I’ve heard everyone rave about, and I’ve always wanted to make this a part of my life. But maybe, because I thought it was such a life-changing practice, I was intimidated to start and never tackled it… until I found a mediation app that worked for me. There are probably tons on the market, but the one I found starts off with little 7-10 minute daily sessions and helps me create space between this selfish mom and the rest of the world.
INDULGE IN A NEW INTEREST
Like many others, I got my first indoor plant during the Great Lockdown of 2020. Okay, I’ll be real. I got 5 plants at once. And now, I’m so in love with all things plants. At first, I felt so much mom-guilt; how could I be spending all this time taking care of these plants when I could be tending to my kids? *Insert wrong answer buzzer here.*
We are allowed to have interests outside of caring for our children. Try a new hobby out and you just might fall in love with something new. Your kids will live.
CLAIM YOUR OWN SPACE
I understand that if you’re reading this, you most likely have a kid (or two or three) that invades every inch of your home, without any sense of boundaries whatsoever. But you can designate a small part of your home to being exclusively yours, where no one else is allowed to enter— an extra bedroom, the balcony, a portion of your patio, or even your bathroom, for an entire uninterrupted hour. Boundaries.
MAMA KNOWS BEST
I’m no life coach, and am not in a position to tell people what to do (who are you, my kids? jk). These are just a few things that have worked for me during the past year as I was inspired to be a little more selfish. It’s been great. Instead of feeling drained all the time, I actually feel like I have more to give. But the most surprising side effect of all this is that I feel more confident— more comfortable in my own skin. I placed myself high on my priority list and somehow I accepted, on a deeper level, that I was of high value. Magic.
I bet you probably know exactly what you need to do to prioritize yourself before everyone else. Maybe you just need that extra nudge, that sign to tell you that it’s alright to. This is that sign! Go do that shit!
Let us know how you plan on becoming a more “selfish mom” in the comments section or leave us an anonymous note on Express Yourself. That’s considered doing something for yourself too, because we all know how much venting helps alleviate unwanted baggage off our chests. Discovering how doing so little can have such a huge impact is a game changer. Try it and see for yourself.
Feature image via Par Femme on Instagram
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