November Carey: Diligence Versus Discrimination

Raising Children in the Fight Against Racism

Like most mothers, I want my children to have the wisdom and courage to stand strong in who they are, to maneuver through life with boldness, and to have the heart to empathize with the suffering of others. If I could instill in them a strong sense of contentment, they would discover eternal joy because they’d be mindful never to act out of fear. That, for me, would mean success in my role as a mother. However, for mothers with children of color—especially mothers of Black children—who really just wanna raise good, happy human beings, the issue of race adds a layer of difficulty in achieving just that.

My children are Black and Filipino.

Mothers already have so many hats to wear. Yet, there are many among us, me included, who I feel have to also be well-versed in child development and psychology—and specialize in ethnic studies even! How else could we protect our children’s birthrights to be free and joyful while preparing them for a society that would judge them harshly for the slightest misbehavior… simply because they’ve already been stereotyped?

I’ve had to constantly educate myself on how to accomplish just that, all while having to educate my kids on the deaths of Black American people plastered all over social media.

Soon after the death of George Floyd, my eldest son cried to his dad one night. He was afraid that his dad, grandfather, cousins, or himself could be the next George Floyd, Trayvon Martin, or Tamir Rice because, as he said, “We look like them.” He didn’t want to be next. This made him hesitant to move to the U.S. to finally take his place in a school he’d been dreaming of attending. We couldn’t let this fear get in the way of pursuing his dream.

My first instinct was to protect and prepare my son for the predominantly white school that he chose to attend. I obsessively researched to find out what his experience would be like as a Black and Filipino boy at this school. It later occurred to me that my fear, if I wasn’t careful, would only further cripple my son. Though I wanted to raise him with an awareness that would help him maneuver through racial discrimination, I also had to teach him that not all white people are racist and not all racist people are white.

Some say that this kind of racism doesn’t happen in the Philippines. However, I remember walking into a crowded restaurant at a country club with my husband and eldest son to meet a friend. The club, with a predominantly European membership, was packed that day for a rugby match. As we walked through the restaurant, I quickly noticed the unabashed stares and side-eyes from members not only directed at my husband but also at my son. Some even shook their heads and rolled their eyes as though we had no right to be there. I asked my husband if I was just imagining things. I had never before experienced anything like that. He then said, “Welcome to my world.”

Sadly, I’ve often witnessed how stubborn colonial mentality amongst my own Filipino people also affect my children. Though they share the same parents, my older son, handsome in his own right, has darker skin and his father’s Black features; my youngest looks more like a so-called mestizo compared to his brother. Mestizo is the word most Filipinos often misuse to describe someone who is lighter-skinned with European or white American features.

Too many times, we’ve had social gatherings or encounters that would result in a look of hurt on my oldest son’s face, as people disregarded him and gushed over his younger brother with phrases like, “Ang puti! Ang gwapo!” (So light-skinned! So handsome!) The first time this happened, I knew it bothered my eldest because he later asked me for the meaning of puti. A talk later ensued about how ignorant people can be, the history of colonial mentality, and how handsome and beautiful he truly is.

My children and I frequent basketball games in the Philippines. My eldest was 10 years old when he first took notice of Filipinos—some of whom were his basketball heroes—taunt Black players during a game by calling them monkeys. Each time this happened, I was embarrassed at my own people’s ignorance and felt angry for my son. This is where matters about his own race became more confusing. If Filipinos were calling Black people monkeys, where does that place him, a Black and Filipino boy? It incited more questions from him about his place in society, notwithstanding the fact that he is a strong, talented, intelligent, and loving individual. His father and I explained to him as plainly as we could that it had nothing to do with his worth but everything to do with their ignorance.

What effect could these experiences have had on my son if my husband and I were oblivious to them?

Further, at the height of the Black Lives Matter protests, various social media posts by Filipinos opposed to it made it very apparent that there is a lack of understanding among us on the plight of Black people, and why the protests were necessary. Have they forgotten, or maybe are ignorant to, the fact that not too long ago, there were signs in front of U.S. establishments that specifically said, “ABSOLUTELY NO FILIPINOS ALLOWED”? That our colonizers treated us as lesser than them and even turned many of us into slaves in our own land? Have they forgotten or maybe were ignorant to the history that Black soldiers who fought in the Philippine-American revolution empathized with us and switched to fight for our side instead?

Why does all this concern me as a mother? It is a moral imperative to make sure I raise my children with full understanding and pride of who they are, and where they came from. This way, they can challenge traditional thoughts and practices that could lead to changes that benefit, not just themselves, but entire communities. In other words, for your children to be able to make a positive impact in any endeavor, they have to understand the psyche behind why things are the way they are, and how/why it should either change or stay the same. Plus, it just makes them decent human beings.

I recently had a dear relative tell me that despite my “radical” way of voicing out against injustices, that I should now more than ever stay quiet about such things for the safety of my own family, especially now that we’ve moved to the U.S. Though her intentions were to ensure our safety, this is where the importance of empowering my sons with awareness, confidence, and boldness to speak up against injustices must be underscored. It would only be at their demise if they grow up being told to just keep quiet, to not rock the boat, or to not attract attention. Anyone who ever made a difference in the world didn’t achieve it by being a helpless victim or bystander.

Despite our best efforts and headway that my husband and I feel have made on the race issue as it pertains to raising our children, there are days when we just don’t have the answers. At least not yet. Sometimes, I just don’t understand and am too frustrated, sick, and tired to come up with a proper response for my son. Or, sometimes, I’m just so damn angry that we have to keep dealing with it at all. If racism incites this kind of frustration and anger in adults, how are children who are exposed to it, processing it without the proper guidance?

Mothers generally see an entirely whole picture when we care for our children. We do our best to cover every aspect of their development, safety, and need for love and attention. Racism, however, imposes more fear, stress, and pressure to mothers of colored children, especially those raising Black children. For instance, choosing a neighborhood to move to in the U.S. meant finding one that is affordable, in a good part of the city where crime rate is low, accessible, and where my husband and son are not likely to get harassed or shot at simply for being Black. There’s that fear. We have to educate ourselves and be extra diligent to fight against that fear and to put in extra work so we can prepare our children for what’s to come without impeding on their joy and freedom. Without this effort, how could we ever ensure their sense of contentment and success. This is no easy task, yet it isn’t an impossible one.