Monique Jaramillo-Señeres: The Sweetest Devotion

On being a young mother and finding balance through it all

Pregnancy and motherhood are huge undertakings, but when you add the word teenage to the equation, said undertakings are Herculean. When I first discovered that I was pregnant at the age of 17, I felt the sensation of my entire world spinning off axis. I completely lost my bearings and it took me weeks to regain my composure.

When I finally got over the initial shock, I had to muster up the courage to come clean to my parents, particularly my frighteningly strict mother. Nonetheless, what followed was totally unexpected.

While my parents were undoubtedly caught off-guard learning about most parents’ worst fear, I think the bigger shock was their ability to skip through any negative feelings and to immediately encompass me in pure love and support. I don’t know what I would have done without my parents. The unshakable foundation that they built for me, allowed me to reclaim a sense of security and stability.

ANTI-TOXICITY & SELF-IMPOSED ISOLATION

Having had my experience in our predominantly conservative Catholic country, I do recall receiving a lot of judgment and being made to feel a lot of shame. During the last trimester of my pregnancy, I had become a serious recluse in order to shield myself from toxicity and to be able to embrace what was supposed to be a magical time.

I opted to finish my Senior year of high school through an independent study, and I was often holed up at home or surrounded by an extremely intimate circle of choice.

In hindsight, I suppose the self-imposed isolation was vital. It was an opportunity for introspection and reflection. I was able to focus on what was really important and stay balanced away from any unwanted scrutiny. I thought to myself, I’m not the only one sexually active at my age nor am I the only one who has gotten pregnant at my age either. I was, however, a rare case of someone who was courageous enough to see this life-altering experience through.

A WOMAN IS BORN

I gave birth to my Brandon, a healthy baby boy weighing 6.13 lbs., on September 15, 2002. I had turned 18-years old over half a year prior, but I always say that it wasn’t until the birth of my son that I truly transitioned from a girl to a woman. I was in awe of what my body had accomplished.

I was so enamored by this little baby that I had housed within me that now, felt like home. My entire perspective changed. I realized how inward I had once been, and how much energy I used to waste on unfulfilling people and things. It was no longer just about me now. I needed to put my son first.

I considered myself very fortunate as a new mother. I had an amazing support system and my son was such a good baby that rarely cried and slept through the night almost instantly. I’d like to think that I was a natural at caring for a baby. I suppose I had a lot of practice with my little brother (+) and my younger cousins, and I think it is noteworthy that I was well-read with the “What to Expect…” books, which have received the moniker of “The Pregnancy Bible” and “The Motherhood Survival Guide”.

LOVE & HATE

It wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies, though. I remember being in over my head on some days and desperately wanting to escape. At the end of the day, I was still a young adult – a teenager – with a lot of room for growth. I would see my peers in such different situations, and I couldn’t help but entertain thoughts of envy or unfairness.

Brandon was just months old when I was getting ready to leave my bubble, to take on my other responsibilities and rejoin society. I was about to embark on my college journey, and I was set to release and promote an album titled “Love and Hate” with my group, 7 Shots of Wisdom.

If I was well-adjusted, and had gotten the knack of the stay-at-home mom thing, well, needing to handle other priorities had the tendency to throw me off-balance. It was, yet another, transition for me. While I tried my best to manage my time and not compromise the quality of care given to each priority, I often found myself cramming, rushing, and drowning in mom guilt.

WALK A MILE IN MY SHOES

As a young mom, I didn’t always make the most sound decisions. I was torn between spending time with my son and accomplishing my school and work duties, so I habitually opted to take Brandon with me everywhere; even to places one would not normally take babies.

He became a regular fixture in the studio and at shows, regardless of how late some nights went on, or how rowdy the atmosphere was. Perhaps the upside was that he was adored by everyone that met him, and he grew up to be remarkably outgoing.

By the time Brandon was in school and I no longer had the option of having him tag along with me everyday, I did have to be away from him a lot more. It was around this time that a lot of societal (and even familial) shaming and judgment reemerged. While it definitely irked me, I made the conscious effort to just block out the noise and cope with everything on my plate as I saw fit. I chose to not be so hard on myself, because after all, not a single soul in my life knew what it was like to be me.

Eventually, I did reach a saturation point with my music. I never thought it would be possible, but I needed a hiatus from my first love. It’s true what they say: “too much of anything is bad for you”. Apparently, having graduated from college with a degree in Music Production – no easy feat, mind you – and exerting so much of my blood, sweat, and tears into the 7 Shots album, and a self-produced solo equated to too much. It was time for me to make up for lost time with my boy.

BEING PRESENT

Through my son’s elementary school years, I was determined to be there for him in a way that I hadn’t been. He deserved to have a mother that was totally present, so lo and behold, I was a stay-at-home mom once more. This time, it wouldn’t be for just a few months. It was a situation that I never pictured myself in, and while I do pride myself for being good with change, it certainly was a big change in lifestyle for me.

We didn’t have a typical mother-son dynamic. We hung out like pals and we fought like siblings. There were often blurred lines about how much he could challenge me, considering he was a smart kid with a smart mouth, and I was teetering between being a “cool” mom and one that could lay down the law of the land.

While our exchanges weren’t always smooth, I’m glad to have had all those exchanges along with the good ones, as it was a form of staying connected in an open and authentic way. It was also gratifying to have raised him with the concept of never going to sleep with a heavy heart. With every fight, there was true resolve. As he learned, so did I.

LIFE IN EQUILIBRIUM

Brandon just turned 18 last month. Safe to say that I was intensely emotional as he reached this milestone, for the obvious reason that he had become a full-fledged adult, and because it had me reminiscing about how it was the very age that I was when I had him.

I would never alter how my life panned out, but I am so glad that my son forged his own path. I am comforted by the fact that, as wise and mature as he is, he isn’t in a hurry to do things and get places as I was in my youth. He has the freedom to make his own choices and he chooses to be present, and that brings me so much joy. And, though parents are always flattered to see themselves in their children, it is most rewarding for me to see how he has become his own person. An extraordinary person, at that.

A lot of people doubted my capacity to raise a child. Maybe I had my own doubts every now and then. Yet, by the grace of God, here we are. It is nice to look back and have a recollection about how we made it through.

I encircled myself in as much positivity as I could, and was blessed to have a phenomenal support system. I went through growing pains and grew from those pains. I was forgiving of self when I faltered, and I followed my instincts through our unique circumstances. Most of all, I give a great deal of the credit to my Brandon for being the best son that any mother could ask for. He had my whole world spinning out of control way back when, but now I know that he remains at the very core, creating the balance.

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