Jasmaine Santander: I Am More Me

An intimate reflection on Motherhood by a first-time Mom

In many ways, being a mom has not been the enchanting, self-fulfilling experience I thought it would be. It’s actually a tough reality; one with broken periods of sleep at night, days of self-doubt, a constantly changing learning curve, and lots of very reluctant self-sacrifices.

But despite the moments when I feel pushed to the edge of my limits, there has never been a single moment that I regret introducing Tyler into our lives…

because motherhood is:

…seeing my entire life revolve around this tiny human being, day in and day out, and being completely okay with that.

… working hard to put him to sleep but then risking all that hard work anyway when you can’t help but kiss him, smell him and hug him one more time.

… catching his whole-hearted chuckles in his sleep and closing in on his face when he’s about to yawn because that milky sweet exhale smells so good.

… forever falling for that bright-eyed smile when he first sees + recognizes you upon waking up in the morning.

… relishing the sweetest, fleeting moments when you receive a random hug or kiss, even for no reason. Suddenly, everything feels so much better in the world again.

At the same time, it’s also:

… feeling it all, the good and bad. Motherhood is walking around with all of your nerve endings raw and exposed. Experiencing all these emotions gives me purpose, and I take it as the most radical measure of being alive.

…being kinder to myself by believing that there is a season for everything now that my body has gone through so many physical changes after giving birth. If I can allow my arms to get bigger from carrying my toddler all day, then I think I owe that much grace to my (still) soft and wiggly belly, which grew my healthy, beautiful baby.

… discovering the many facets of myself, as well as a level of love that goes beyond what I want, feel, or think.

… uncovering strength from knowing that no matter how challenging it gets, but I was made for this, and I will always feel blessed to be a Mommy. No one has it all together all the time. As long as my husband and baby are cared for, happy, healthy, and loved most days, I can be okay with that. That could be more than enough.

… getting stronger in faith, knowing that while I am navigating these uncharted waters of motherhood during a pandemic, the hope and joy through my child’s eyes is one proof that God carries us.

The more we pass through the tests of our faith, the more our faith becomes stronger.

And finally, Motherhood is realizing that #lifegoals takes on a new meaning: to make sure he’ll be alright for the rest of his life no matter what that requires from me.

Everything has changed, yet I am more me than I have ever been.

-iain thomas