It takes a certain kind of grit to go through life as a single mother. For some, the decision to embark on that journey (aka separating from your partner) is only the beginning of the many hard choices you will have to make as a solo parent. Through distress and doubts, it’s a tough call to make, but for a lot of moms, it is necessary.
Today’s spotlight shines on Christina Marie Bärtges. Not only does this woman have the grit, she tops it off with a persona that has the power to move every other soul around her. She speaks of realizations, weighing out risks in the beginning of her single-mom journey, and the mindset required to see things through in finding peace.
Mom to Maceo, and one of the coolest human beings to ever grace a dancefloor (and a DJ booth, wherein she rocked a music festival in her third trimester of pregnancy. True story), there is no room for bullshit in this badass momma’s pursuit of happiness.
What brought you to the decision to separate from baby daddy?
Baby Daddy is a great guy. Talented. Athletic. Smart. Kind. Loves his son.
We hadn’t been together very long before Maceo entered the picture. Having a child puts a lot of strain on any relationship, that’s why it is recommended to have children in a stable, tried and tested partnership. Well, that wasn’t us (haha). But we were both adults. He was in his thirties, and I was 29 when I got pregnant, so not having our child was never considered.
After 4 years together, we were both not happy. And because we didn’t have that
tried-and-tested relationship foundation, it turned cold with resentment, which made it very hard to reconcile.
The final push towards separation, for me, came in the form of an imagined scenario, which played out in my head:
15 years from now. Maceo is grown. I am old and frustrated. Maceo’s Dad is grumpy and unsatisfied. Maceo is a teenager, he’s rebelling and saying hurtful things at the dinner table.
And I say this: “You ungrateful child. I sacrificed EVERYTHING for you. I gave up my happiness FOR YOU. I wish I never had you.”
See, when it comes to the Bärtges family, we are all quite fiery and explosive, and when pushed to the edge in a fight, we pinpoint the truest, cruelest, most terrible thing to say, and in our worst moments, we say it out loud to hurt each other.
So far, we’ve always been able to get over the hurt and move on, we are family like that.
BUT I just never wanted to give myself that kind of ammunition against my own child.
Did you have any fears about leaving the relationship and becoming a single mom? How did you overcome this?
Well ya, of course. I asked myself if I was gonna be able to provide for myself and my child. Especially in this country. I could have always gone back to Germany,
but Baby Daddy was here, and I always wanted Maceo to have a relationship with his Dad, so no choice really.
You know how they say, you never really know what you’re capable of, until it’s time to sink or swim? I just trusted my ability to swim. The responsibility of being a mother kinda gave me the kick in the butt i needed to keep it together and find a way. My family supported me during the transition, but as soon as I was able to, I did it all myself.
Would you say that making the decision to leave an unhappy relationship was empowering? What did you learn about yourself?
No, making that decision is shitty. Seeing it through is even worse.
What I did learn about myself, through it all, is that I am resilient, and that I can always find my way back to a place of joy. Discovering that is empowering.
How did you handle explaining the changes in family dynamics to Maceo?
Tough one. He was 4 when his Dad stopped living with us… and I think in the beginning he didn’t notice enough to ask what was happening, while it was happening. He was still a baby. When he got older, he would ask, and I said, “Your Mom and Dad love you very much, but it just didn’t work out between us.”
The hardest part was staying strong and firm, that all of us living together again was not going to happen. It would have been easier to just say, “okay, i’ll think about it.”
But that would’ve given my son false hope, which in the long run would just make it worse.
You mentioned not wanting to say “I sacrificed everything for you.”
Did feeling “selfish” (or being portrayed as “selfish”) play a role in why you didn’t leave sooner, even though you were already unhappy?
Yeah, people might see it as selfish. But those people probably also don’t know what it feels like being the child of parents that are constantly irritated and in bad vibes with each other. I do though. It’s not peaches and roses.
To be fair, we did try. I know I tried for a long time. But I always thought, the chances of messing up my child are higher, when I am frustrated and not at peace with myself and my life. I mean, probably every person in the world has a little bone or two to pick with their parents. It’s normal, it’s part of the human experience. Nobody is perfect, but I understood myself well enough to know that I would be an all around better, stronger person for my child to rely upon, when I didn’t feel trapped and emotionally drained.
The best advice I’ve gotten:
From my Dad 🙂
No matter how bitter, sour, angry or frustrated you are with the other parent, as much as you can, DO NOT speak badly about them to your child. Be supportive of that relationship. That’s their parent, and it is every child’s right to get to know their parents for themselves.
You dumping your beef and emotional baggage all over a relationship you have no part in is selfish, weak and pathetic. Kids get older, and in time they will be able to put the pieces together themselves. They usually already understand more than we give them credit for.
One day they will ask you for your perspective, then you speak. But not before.
Don’t be the villain in the story 😉
Have you signed up for our Virago letters?
It's where we get a little bit more personal and share a part of ourselves that isn't really for everyone.
Join our community, it would be awesome to have you!
