When becoming a mother strengthens you to understand your truth.
In true Asian fashion, I swept my trauma (bad memories, experiences, lies, hurtful truths, dark secrets) where most of us were taught to put it— under the rug. It became my default to hide everything I didn’t want anyone to know about me. I started young, and the pile built up pretty damn fast, but as the saying goes, “Never let them see you sweat.”
As I got older, I would reflect on how my big T’s would affect me, because, in my mind, I was totally fine. “Hmmm, I must be one of the lucky ones, coz this shit doesn’t phase me.”
I really should have become an actress because the way I could lie to everyone around me, including myself, was Oscar-winning levels. No one was allowed into my truth, I did all I could to keep everyone out. I, too, didn’t want to believe my truth, so I created this mask that even I couldn’t see past. I had no idea the shroud of shame could get so thick.
ONLY DEAD FISH GO WITH THE FLOW
The older I got, the bigger the red flags got. I needed help, I needed to heal, but how?! I couldn’t recognize the signs. Toxic behavior was in every which way I looked and felt like the norm. Social media wasn’t what it is today, so I didn’t have IG accounts to follow to give me tips on boundaries, loving myself, or feeling safe. I thought I was just going with the flow.
Then, with what felt like a snap of a finger, my flow stopped (literally and figuratively). I found out I was expecting a baby girl, and my whole world shifted. Although my daughter wasn’t planned, there was one thing in this life I always knew I wanted to be, and that was a mother.
Noa, my baby girl. I looked at her and felt everything all at once. Everything about me wanted to change for her. Of course, this got overwhelming, but that’s another story for a different day. What I knew for sure, with absolute clarity, was how I wanted to raise her. I would be present, teach her how to love herself, and protect her. Then came the hardest part—I had to learn how to do all of that for myself first.
WHEN YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL, YOU CAN BEGIN TO HEAL
My big T’s had manifested into a form of fear and paranoia. I wasn’t so lucky after all. Avoiding the trauma never made it go away. It did the opposite: It deepened the wound, and I didn’t know how to “fix it.”
But I started.
I specifically remember one night, sitting on the couch with my husband, and I opened up about all the abuse I had been through as a child. Sexual, verbal, and physical. Then I cried. I cried hard for hours. Something had taken over, and my body felt like it was releasing years and years of pain that I had held. This was what I was hiding from— feeling it again, accepting that these things happened, and then pretending everything was fine. I couldn’t hold anything in anymore, and I finally poured it out. This was just the beginning.
I’ve been on my healing journey for about eight years now. I don’t think there will ever be a finish line because I am constantly changing and evolving. What I do know is that there is love — the type of love that I didn’t know how to give, love for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wake up every morning and feel that love running through my veins. Some days, I feel like complete shit, but this is when I know I need to show up for myself even harder. That means reminding myself that I may need to show extra grace today because the devil has plans.
WE HAVE ALL BEEN GIFTED WITH THE POWER TO CHOOSE
Healing was a choice, but I knew it had to be done. The generational trauma ends with me. I decided and am committed to that. Is it hard? Yes! It’s fucking hard! But is it possible, YES! It takes support, time, and resources. Did I say time? But is it worth it?!!! HELL FUCKING YES!
We all have a story. I am in the chapter where I have taken back my power, and no one can stop me. When my daughter is ready, I am passing her the torch. This torch represents freedom. I want her to feel free to be. No cuffs, no box, just unconditional love, and teachings from a wise old woman.
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