To Each Their Own

Raising Kids & Minding Your Business

Navigating my way through motherhood with my eldest wasn’t always easy, but for the most part, i thought this parenting gig wasn’t so bad. I had a very go-with-the-flow approach and that seemed to work out just fine. When Friendster and Myspace were the only social media platforms around, and Googling wasn’t really a thing yet, there wasn’t much we could do in terms of research or comparing notes. Like generations before us, good ol’ trial and error was the way to go, and i relied heavily on my family for support. I had a well behaved kid though, and it made me feel like a magical parent.

He sat quietly at the dining table during mealtimes, slept when he was supposed to, and never complained about bath time or brushing his teeth. He listened to instructions, hardly ever cried, and never really gave me any trouble. I know it sounds like i’m bragging… but I see it more as life’s way of tricking me into having more children.

And it worked.

Thirteen years later, with the arrival of my first daughter, I felt like parenthood pretty much drop kicked me in the face. It wasn’t because i was now a mother of two, and it wasn’t because I had forgotten what it was like to care for an infant (although i sorta did). No. It’s because i was dealing with an entirely different person. My second child was fierce and intense, and i wasn’t prepared for the smackdown that came with her.

With information available at the tap of a screen, i was desperate to find solutions. I read manuals on sleep training, blogs on breastfeeding, life hacks on Pinterest, and watched Youtube videos on baby carrying. Anything infant-related, I was on it. I took down notes, followed instructions, spoke with consultants, and tried everything i could think of, short of hiring a stand-in mother.

Despite all my digging, or how prepared i thought i was, nothing really went according to plan. I ended up winging it anyway, and had days that made me feel like a complete failure. I would cry to my partner, ashamed of not knowing what to do, despite having gone through it before. I didn’t understand how it got to be so difficult.

At the peak of sleep deprived fatigue, we tried for another baby. We thought siblings close in age would benefit the kids, and i became pregnant with my second daughter. I found myself riddled with anxiety, and completely terrified. I thought to myself, “If this baby is going to be anything like her sister, I might die.”

My third child was born and she was a gift from the angels. Sleep training was done in less than a week, she was exclusively breastfed, and a delight by all accounts. All the things I had learned, previously proven ineffective, was starting to pay off. Another little one, so different from her siblings before her. At this point, I didn’t mind not using baby soap to wash her utensils, there was no panic when she ate food off the floor (by choice), and we didn’t even bother pureeing her first solids.

Everything i thought i knew about being a mother, for thirteen years with my first born, became irrelevant. As far as parenting multiple children went, i was a total rookie. As the months went on, I underwent a mothering evolution, and accepted that parenthood is not a one-size-fits-all.

While it’s natural for parents to want to help other parents by imparting knowledge based on experience, it dawned on me that it’s all very circumstantial. What worked with my eldest is definitely not applicable to my second-born, and my third baby is pretty much raising herself. What works for one family may not be the case for another, so don’t be offended if your opinion carries no weight. We all abide by different sets of values and principles, we can’t expect everyone to be on the same boat.

Every parent’s decision regarding their own child is a personal choice that warrants no judgement. The kid running around the restaurant isn’t the result of bad parenting. A toddler who throws a tantrum in the middle of a pathway isn’t doing that because they were taught. A baby who still cries through the night for over two years isn’t being neglected. They’re human, and unique, just like you.

Maybe the mom is holding onto whatever sanity she has left, and allows her son to walk around the restaurant (all safety measures considered) because he’s usually cooped up in a small apartment. She couldn’t care less about what was happening because she also takes care of a newborn, runs the household from sun up to sun down, and is still able to cater to everyone else at home, despite functioning on only 4 hours of sleep. What you saw was her fifteen minutes of peace for the day.

A toddler losing her shit in public is everyone’s favorite parent-gauge. Amidst the glances of concern or irritation, do you drag said toddler out? Give them “the look”, whisper-yell at them through gritted teeth, let them be, or offer a hug? It doesn’t really matter what your method is, but it’s safe to assume that whatever it is, is your own way of handling the situation, as fast as you can, before you start to lose your own shit. Just because you’re looking out for yourself doesn’t mean you don’t have your kid’s best interest at heart.

In the same way we should avoid jumping to judgy conclusions with what we see in public, there’s also a matter of how it’s not our concern how they manage things at home. A room-sharing mother of three will most likely not allow her baby to CIO and settle, in fear of waking up every other person in the room. That fear is real, and can you blame her? Best believe she has her priorities in order, and no one can say otherwise.

The hypothetical scenarios are never-ending, and situations vary on an individual basis. A breastfeeding mother and a mom who chooses formula can both be equally loving and capable parents. Same thing goes for the co-sleepers and the sleep trainers. It’s not our place to determine what’s right or wrong for another family. As much as we feel the need to offer our “help”, putting their personal circumstances into consideration is just as important as they are nobody else’s business.

I’m too busy trying to figure out how to raise three completely different human beings, catering to their own unique characteristics, to pay attention to what other parents are choosing to do with their own children. If we all embrace the respect needed for individualism, then we should all get along just fine.

Feature Image via Pinterest