Rocky Rivera peels back the layers to share her unfiltered take on empowerment & gives us a sneak peek from her new book, Snakeskin.
She has the kind of presence that demands attention when she enters a room. Rightfully so, because when she talks, people need to listen. Her words have been used to speak for a generation and amplify the voices of those who need to be heard. Rocky Rivera (aka Krishtine de Leon) is a rapper, community organizer, activist, and now— author.
The mom of two started writing her book at the onset of the global pandemic. Powered by her supporters through her Patreon, her collection of essays details her experiences throughout life that shaped her being— shedding her skin several times over to reveal an evolved and profound woman. This book is a testament of her beliefs and values, showing the world that she is doing exactly what she was born to do.
After giving birth to Kahlil, did you feel as though you were trailblazing for other mamas who may have been on the fence about pursuing their passion? What was your mindset like during this time?
When my partner and I decided to have our baby, it was a tumultuous time but also an incredibly exciting and opportune time. I had just won a Contributing Editor contract with Rolling Stone, I won a reality show on MTV after a deluge of racist and sexist vitriol online about how I “didn’t deserve” the prize, and I honestly didn’t know how to proceed, I just knew that the prize money certainly helped make the decision. I wasn’t thinking about trail-blazing, I was just interviewing rappers during nap time and hoping he didn’t wake up and interrupt.
You are perceived as an extremely strong & powerful woman. How do you handle moments of weakness and vulnerability?
I’m perceived that way because of the nature of emceeing and of hip hop: it’s a male-dominated industry that relies on boasting about yourself and taking as much space as possible. It’s funny that I had to take on masculine qualities to embody a powerful performer, but the real power was in those quiet moments alone when I was writing the lyrics, before I even hit the stage. Writing relies on emotionality to make an impact, and requires absolute reflection, vulnerability and self-criticism. When you activate those words by speaking them aloud, which in my case, is through rap, that’s when the magic happens.
What would you say has been the most challenging aspect of being a mother?
New mothers need their extended family around and especially their female relatives, and immigrating to this country has made that experience difficult. But there are lots of difficult things about being a mother: lack of childcare, lack of access to contraception, the invisibilized labor of unpaid domestic care, it’s all designed to oppress and subjugate women. So choosing to be a mother means choosing your children despite that, and I believe that no one should be a parent unless they are ready, financially and emotionally especially.
If your daughter told you she wanted to follow in your career footsteps, what would you tell her?
My daughter is already everything I am and more, so I would be happy to see her pursue the family craft of emceeing or being an author like her mama. I would tell her that she is amazing, her story matters, her feelings matter, and the world is a more beautiful place when we can share our authentic selves.
Can you name your biggest societal/patriarchal pet peeve related to motherhood?
It’s not a pet-peeve but rather a request to keep men from making decisions about my body. And every mother and her children should have government-subsidized healthcare, basic income, and free childcare.
What advice would you give to moms who don’t feel strong and empowered?
Moms need lives too. Pour into your own cup and put your needs first every day.
Lastly, coming to terms with your identity can be complicated or even unanswerable for some women (most especially after having children). How would you describe yourself, and how is Rocky Rivera different from Krishtine de Leon?
Finding who you are is an ongoing journey and you are absolutely allowed to outgrow previous versions of yourself that no longer fit. That’s why I named my book “Snakeskin” — because we go through so many stages in life and we have to accept them all in order to progress. Rocky Rivera was a chosen name, how I wanted the world to see me at my best. But Krishtine de Leon is the real person with real-life contradictions and experiences that allow me to process into lessons that you hear in my music. My life is the raw material and even within my multiple stages of growth, I know that I own my narrative. Be patient with yourself because that takes time and wisdom.
An excerpt from Snakeskin, Essays by Rocky Rivera
“Kahlil’s Song” is a tribute song that didn’t require extensive research or citing sources, but rather, digging deeply into an experience that I was unfamiliar with: motherhood. It’s a song that was written as I neared the end of my gestation with my firstborn, and one that I recorded alone, pregnant, and in my underwear in my home studio. I just moved away from San Francisco to Los
Angeles and had an entire summer to explore this new city with my growing belly. It was both a liberating and terrifying experience, motherhood and rap.
It was my first time away from my own family and I had to reimagine what community could look like in LA, with my baby boy. I captured all my fears and worries about motherhood and choosing to raise a child in unprecedented political and environmental times, while also revealing my lack of belief in the patriarchal nuclear family. What it meant to be a mother, to have a family, I learned through loving my firstborn, Kahlil Bayani.
It was the first song I recorded entirely myself, eight months gestated and breathless with barely any room in my lungs to rap. Bam taught me how to use Cakewalk on his ancient PC. When he came home from work, I asked him to listen and mix it down and walked into the other room to give him some privacy. I waited the full three verses to hear what he thought and it was the first time I talked about something so special and so personal to me, to us. It was also the first time I rapped from the heart. There was a silence after the track was over, and as I listened closely, I heard Bam sniffling a little bit. I smiled and took it as a compliment, interrupting his thoughts by yelling “So did you like it?” He cleared his throat and with a broken voice said, “Yes, babe, it’s really good.”
Kahlil’s Song
This is for my son, Kahlil Bayani
Mommy’s waiting on you
Daddy’s waiting on you…
Can’t wait to meet you, boy
We ready…
Ayo, Kahlil
Your mama got a story to tell ‘bout how her
Heart opened up and caused her belly to swell
Thought the world would only turn for the money and greed
Swallow every poison left that would make her believe
It was a curse to be a woman who questioned authority
Who questioned monogamy, who questioned her destiny
To be the builder of a bridge between a husband and wife
Even more, the one who chose to bring you into this life
I loved the thought of having you before I knew who I was
But I knew better than to have you in my world just because
Another man couldn’t fulfill the dreams he promised to me
I had to learn to hate the world that brought dishonor to me
Until your father put his middle finger up in response
Turned a soldier, to a woman, to a mother, at once
The love inside me was the answer to the ills of the street
And I can’t wait to see your face when we finally meet
Me and your Pops fell in love before we knew who you was
Always talked about a future that included you ‘cause
A piece of us wasn’t happy with our family life
So we promised that, somehow, we’d turn the wrong into right
Even now, we struggle with such a formidable task
Of making peace with our future, by forgiving our past
Not repeating the mistakes that our family made
And they sacrificed enough, for the family’s sake
To put food on the table, a shirt on our backs
Travel half across the globe to keep our people intact
So we fight to keep you free ’til the battle is won
Ain’t nothin’ stronger than the love between a mother and son
I love you more than all the labels they be droppin’ in rhymes
Love you more than being scared of what the future’ll find
Love you even if the ocean swallowed half of the earth
Love you more than all the bodies that they leave in the dirt
Love even if they told me that today was the last
Not regret that I would hold you, in the shadow they cast
On The People, I would promise them the best I could give
As a woman, it’s the future of the struggle we live
Just to think, being selfish, you would cease to exist
Glad your poppa never wavered when I tried to resist
‘Cause it’s bigger than the fear that paralyzes the trust
Even bigger than mistakes that conspire from lust
Someday you’ll know the love it takes for optimism to thrive
Inside the body of A People That Was Meant to Survive
I’ll give you every single breath, all the wisdom I learned
Pass the torch upon to you, ’til my candle is burned
(Photograph by Vivian P. Chen, styled by ReVamp People, makeup by Concrete Rose Salon)
All images courtesy of Rocky Rivera via her Instagram
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