It Takes A Village

The importance of a motherhood support system

It’s inevitable. In life, we are going to face crisis after crisis. I don’t know why, but as a mom, I always felt an unnecessary pressure to keep it together for my entire family. This is something I have struggled with. A solid support system helped me get through the more challenging parts of life, and has always been a great source of strength. Having support can make all the difference between being a capable mother to your kids and having a complete mental breakdown.

What is a support system?

Are you familiar with the term? I didn’t know what a “support system” was for the longest time, and it wasn’t until three years ago that it even hit my radar.

I was going through some tough times with my partner and we eventually split up. Our two kids and I wound up living with one of my sisters in another country, who was already an empty nester, single mom, and had a spare bedroom for us to stay in. I was an emotional wreck when I first got there – scared, worried and anxious. Completely and utterly vulnerable.

During one of my frequent breakdowns, my sister told me, “You need a support system.”

I thought she was just talking about friends. I have friends. It’s a weird flex, but I have over 1000 friends on Facebook. She was speaking experienced-women-talk to me and I wasn’t fluent. So she broke it down for me, and her explanation of what a support system was sounded very similar to how Merriam-Webster defines it:
“…a network of people who provide an individual with practical or emotional support”

Okay, so that is not what my Facebook friends list is. But I figured that my sister was part of my support system, since she was helping me through everything, and providing me with a safe place to stay with my daughters.

What does a support system look like?

The group of people you count on when you’re in dire need of help is your support system. They are your Day 1’s, your temporary emotional crutches, your girl’s night outs, your word vomit recipients whenever you need to just let it all out. I didn’t realize it, but way before I even knew what a support system was, I actually had one!

With a few childless exceptions (and even some men), my support system largely consists of mothers I love, respect, and look up to. Some have been in my life since the literal start of it – my mom and my sisters. Others came along much later in my life, after I became a mom, like my baby daddy’s sisters. Many of them are my friends, the ones who I felt like I grew into responsible adulthood with.

Your support system can help you see things in varying perspectives. Let’s face it, our egos might tell us otherwise, but we do not know everything. When shit hits the fan, we are often too close to the situation to have an objective perspective. Sometimes, we need a bird’s-eye-view of it all to help us understand what’s going on. This reminds me of those mosaic posters that were popular in the 90’s. If you stood too close to it, you wouldn’t be able to make any sense out of it. But if you slowly distanced yourself from it, you would start to see a clear image. A solid support system can help us do just that- see things clearer.

There’s something to be said about having the right type of people around you. If you feel as though you have a support system, but feel drained from being around them, they might be what is considered to be an energy vampire. I choose to surround myself with individuals that leave me feeling motivated and optimistic. When all is said and done, I never feel burdened or spent. It’s important to be mindful of how people make you feel. Protecting your energy is crucial.

If you have a partner, you might be thinking, “He/she is my support system.”

My partner and I decided that, while we had tons to work on in our own relationship, we could still preserve our family. We are still working on it, and with consistent communication, I’m happy to report that we now move more like a team. He is my best friend, and provides me with support on many levels, but I really think it’s beneficial to have people you can call on outside of your home.

While having a partner that you know has your back is all well and good, building relationships that are solely yours matters too. The support you establish for yourself is a healthy way of keeping boundaries (and let’s be honest- maintaining sanity). Motherhood is a journey, and it’s not easy. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and while we feel as though so much of the responsibility is ours to bear, there is truth in finding solace in a reliable community.

Identify the people you can rely on

“It takes a village to raise a child” is a well-known African proverb. It means that an entire community of people must interact with children for those children to experience and grow in a safe and healthy environment. I believe the same thing goes for the mothers. We could all do with a little help. There is no shame in that. It’s instinctual for other moms to help out other moms because that’s how we’re designed. Humans are social beings by nature. Being dependent doesn’t make us weak. Instead, coming together is what makes us unfuckwithable. Yes, that’s an actual word, and we are as good as the people we are closest to. That’s the truth.

If you find yourself lost, without the comfort of support, know that you are not alone. Being a mom can feel incredibly isolating, and the fear of judgement is a common concern. There are support groups online and professionals that are available to help. Reach out and unload when it feels like the weight you are carrying is too much to handle.

Whether we are aware of it or not, internalizing pain and sadness can lead to a number of negative effects on both our physical and mental health. Do what you need to do to help yourself out of a funk. You cannot expect yourself to fill the cup of others if you’re running on empty yourself. It took me a long time to accept that. Your biggest support system comes from within, and you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.

If you feel the need to let something out, hit up the Express Yourself section on our homepage. Entries are completely anonymous (even to us), and this space is, and will always remain, safe and judgement-free.

If you’d like further support, join us in the Virago Facebook Group. We’ll be starting conversations on all things motherhood, and we’d love to see you there.

Feature Image by: Philippine History and Architecture Facebook Page