The adoption journey that led us to meeting the greatest love of our lives
I was only 11 years old when my mom brought me to see a gynecologist for my irregular menstrual cycles. She diagnosed me with premature ovarian failure and warned us that it would most likely lead to infertility. I carried this sadness with me for many years.
At 30, I decided to get the opinion of a Fertility specialist, but was given a 1% chance to conceive naturally. I decided to try IVF with my partner at the time, using donated eggs from a cousin. Sadly, it was unsuccessful. At 40, I learned there was a new test called AMH that measured egg count. I decided to be tested and was heartbroken when the results came back that I no longer had eggs. I was now infertile. I was at a crossroads in my life and I had to dig deep in me to decide how I was going to make my dreams of becoming a mother come true. My journey to adopt was long, but the gratification was instant.
IT ALL STARTS WITH HOPE
During a vacation to the Philippines, a childhood friend encouraged me to apply for a job with his employer. A month later, I got the job and left the U.S. I was living my best life: management position, financial freedom and surrounded by good people. Soon after, my internal clock began to tick. I tried to ignore it, but realizing how old I was getting and the years of being single lit a fire in me. I considered the amazing quality of life I was living and the resources I had available to me. I decided I was going to adopt and raise a kid alone. I found Kaisahang Buhay Foundation in Manila and soon after, I applied to be evaluated as a single mother.
Upfront, the agency said I would most likely be placed at the bottom of the list, even if I qualified. They indicated that they favored placing a child with a traditional couple before considering a single mother. Although I knew my chances were slim, I decided to move forward.
A month after submitting my intent for adoption, I unexpectedly met and fell in love with a Filipino-Canadian man living in Cebu. I reluctantly told him of my infertility issues and my intent to begin the adoption process. While I knew it was a lot of information to share with a new boyfriend, his response was sincere, loving and compassionate, which led me to fall in love with him even more.
THE FIGHT AGAINST THE CLOCK
After consulting with the foundation about my new situation, they said I wouldn’t be evaluated if I relocated to Cebu. After several deep and heartfelt conversations, he revealed that no matter what I decided, he saw a future with me. A month later, we were engaged and living in Cebu. I decided I didn’t need to do this alone. I wanted to start a family with him. We were married a year later, just as I was turning 40. That’s when the internal clock started ticking like a time bomb.
I was edgy, frustrated, and emotional, but my husband was so intuitive that he knew exactly what was bothering me. He confessed that he dreamed of us having a child together, but he understood it was impossible. The idea of hormonal swings, labor pains, and body changes at 40 years old really turned me off to getting pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, I know how beautiful the experience has been for other women and have celebrated many of these milestones with my girlfriends. I admitted to my husband that I was no longer interested in getting pregnant, so he agreed it was time to look into adoption.
A DIFFERENT KIND OF LABOR
To our dismay, there was no adoption agency in Cebu and we were told that we would have to go through the Department of Social Welfare and Development (DSWD). It was 2014, just a few months after Super Typhoon Yolanda. There was news that 69 children were orphaned and the DSWD was calling for help, so we reached out.
At the interview, the social worker asked questions that didn’t seem to get us anywhere. She explained that DSWD was “very busy” due to the typhoon and she had a lot of work to do, so “it may take 2 years or more to be matched with a child.” She was SO busy with other families in need that she may not have time to do home evaluations or reports for the adoption. Confused, I asked about the 69 children in orphanages. She confirmed that was true, but she was “just too busy”. If we wanted to go through the process, she’d “try to work on it.”
Discouraged, angry and feeling hopeless, we couldn’t believe how many excuses we were given for not being able to adopt! My heart sank after learning that someone who was dedicated to child placement was “too busy” to deal with us, so we moved on.
SEEMINGLY ENDLESS OBSTACLES
Another year passed and the feeling continued to weigh heavily on my heart. I called DSWD again expecting to deal with the same obstacles, but instead, I was transferred to a very compassionate and sincere man. He encouraged me to register and reassured us that the process changed. We learned that adoptions were regionalized and no longer needed to be reviewed by the Manila DSWD. Orphans would be matched with parents within the region. Soon enough, we were preparing for our evaluation with a social worker.
The social worker who facilitated the interview felt we were the perfect couple to welcome a new child into our family. Everything seemed perfect– until it wasn’t. After proudly sharing that I helped raise my husband’s son for a year, we learned that this affected our eligibility. As part of the adoption requirements, all biological children of an adoptive parent must sign an affidavit consenting to their parent’s adoption and be in agreement of the union. My husband had three children that lived outside of the Philippines. Sadly, he was not in touch with two of them. I was deeply worried about how we would approach them with this request, and how they would react. I immediately regretted mentioning he had a son.
Additionally, my husband needed to file for Philippine citizenship or our adoption would be held to inter-country adoption laws. We knew these two requirements were going to be a challenge, but the DSWD allowed us to move forward without them. We just needed to complete these requirements before we went to court. We submitted all the required documentation such as proof of employment, financial stability, a psychological review, and character references from friends and family. We were even asked to submit large headshots of ourselves so they could try to match us with a child with similar facial features.
WORTH THE WAIT
Within six months, we received the call we had been waiting for, “We found you a 10-month-old son.” A month later, we were allowed to meet him. As we walked into the orphanage, I told myself, “Remember the next 2 minutes for the rest of your life. Never forget this moment!” The caretaker carried our new son towards us. The boy lifted his head up from her shoulder as she said, “Say hello to your new mommy.” My heart had never felt so full. I knew God made me wait this long for this perfect child.
Our baby boy had big black almond-shaped eyes. He had thin dark brown hair that had a little baby curl at the end. His cheeks were round, and his lips had a little pucker. He was perfect! He even looked a little like my husband. I was tingling all over with excitement, disbelief, and gratefulness to the Universe, to God, and to my husband.
The DSWD mandates that new parents spend three days in a row with the child before bringing them home. Each day the shelter greeted us as Mommy and Daddy, and I truly felt we were. On the first day, I got to feed him. On the second day, he fell asleep in my arms. On our third day, the entire orphanage gathered for his farewell. They prayed over us and sang a song of blessings. Finally, all the children hugged us and bid our son goodbye. I wanted to take them all home, but these happy children were living in a loving and safe environment.
THE BEGINNING OF THE REST OF OUR LIVES
We named our son Nolan Kaimana (Diamond). His Hawaiian name had been gifted by my Kumu Hula, my childhood hula teacher. Our first night was perfect. He fell asleep easily as he laid between us and slept peacefully through the night. A month later, we witnessed his first steps and shared the celebration of his 1st birthday with the children at the orphanage.
Nolan turns 5 years old this December. He is a very energetic, clever, and witty little boy. He is truly our son in every way as he mimics our personalities through jokes, laughter, and affection. We are often told how much he resembles the two of us.
My husband, Alexis, treats Nolan like his own son. In many ways, my husband is a better father because of him. Alexis is obsessed with Nolan’s health and well-being, and equally shares the management of his nutrition and development. We do everything we can to ensure he is safe, healthy and feels loved and protected.
Nolan has also brought together our family. The process of obtaining consent from Alexis’ children forged a renewed relationship among them. In fact, we were blessed to have them with us in Cebu for an entire month (over Christmas). Nolan completes our family and strengthens our commitment to one another.
THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES
Unfortunately, Nolan’s adoption is still in process. Obtaining my husband’s family records to prove his citizenship took over a year. It took another year to reach out to his children and re-establish a trusting relationship before obtaining their consent. There were court dates cancelled, changes in judges, and then of course the pandemic. We are currently waiting on the judge to file her ruling, before being reviewed by the Solicitor General, Civil Registrar and Philippine Statistics Authority. If there are no appeals, the PSA can finalize his new birth certificate, which registers us as his parents and changes his given name. We can then plan on filing for citizenship for our respective countries. I dream of the day that I can take him home to the U.S. to meet my parents and watch him play with his cousins.
Nolan’s unconditional love breathes life into my soul. He is my son, my light, my life, and my Kaimana. Although adoption is not widely accepted in the Philippines, it should never be shamed. It is a blessing. There are so many children in need of a family in our country and I hope more Filipinos would open their hearts and homes. DNA does not make love, and a family is not just created by blood. Adoption may have taken us years, but the love arrived instantly when Nolan came into our lives.
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