I considered growing up in a home with a mum, dad, and a brother to be a normal upbringing. My youngest brother was born when I was already 21, which fueled my belief that my mum was a superhero, having a child in her 40’s. Little did I know that I would have an interesting story to tell as well. I always saw my mum as this strong woman, standing up to my dad when needed, and raising my brother and I, while working a full time job. I never thought that my life, in motherhood, would be any different. As it turns out, it would be.
When we think about meeting the man of our dreams, oftentimes, we are told that we fall in love, then get married, and have babies. In my situation, the man of my dreams became my reality. He made me feel like a queen, and was everything I dreamt of spending the rest of my life with. But, (yes there is a but) because nothing in life is perfect, my man also happened to have two young sons from his previous partner. I never suspected that this was actually close to perfection. Of course, at the time, I didn’t see it that way.
In the beginning of our relationship I questioned my life, future and goals. Committing my life to this man would mean becoming an instant mum, without having to go through labor, or actually giving birth. “That’s not normal,” one would think. And to be honest, this wasn’t what I imagined my life to be.
An instant mum.
There are these fables, fairy tales, and fictional stories shared with children about step mothers or fathers- painting a clear picture of them being so mean. Which is so not true. I can prove them wrong from experience. I can admit that it was not easy though, most especially in the beginning.
In 2004, when Nic and I were just starting out in our relationship, we decided to take the boys on a trip to Disneyland. Just for a quick getaway, and a chance for me to get to know them better. As with the start of any romantic relationship, we were madly in love- and not afraid to show it. Nic and I would hold hands as we walked around the roller coasters and attractions. Towards the end of the day, Nico walked up to the both of us and ripped our hands from our grasps, separating me from Nic. I remember feeling shocked and a little sad. I knew that it would not be an easy journey, but I was determined, and up for it.
Their father and I were in love, and our love meant we accepted everything about each other. So I took the leap of faith, and trusted my God that this was his plan for me. I grew to love Nic’s sons like they were my own, and also made it known that I was not taking their mom’s place. Regardless of circumstances, I made sure that they both knew I was there for them no matter what. I loved their dad, and against all odds, I would love every part of him.
I can say I was lucky to have met my sons (or as I love to call them, Angels) while they were still very young. They had a chance to grow with me and really learn my love for them. Despite their age, I never forced anything. My bond between the two of them grew naturally, and it blossomed into something so beautiful that many people didn’t even know that they were my stepsons (I guess I also have to credit my husband’s strong genes for that as all of our children look just like him).
The time came when I knew I had to be doing something right. One afternoon, I introduced my friends to Nico and Mike, and I distinctly remember mentioning that they were my “step kids”. Once my friends and I had gone our separate ways, I saw the sadness in Nico and Mike’s eyes. I asked them what was wrong, and they mentioned that they didn’t like it when I called them that. It immediately brought happy tears to my eyes, and I knew at that moment that the love I had for them was reciprocated.
My eldest, Nico, used to have the same outlook on life as I had when I was younger. He knew a typical family consisted of a mother, a father, and their children. So it’s understandable that when I came into the picture, he was like, “Who’s this?”
But through the years we became extremely close. He is currently 20 years old, my confidante, and one of my best friends. As a child, he was very shy and introverted. But being able to help him come out of his shell and embrace his personality has, by far, been one of the most rewarding parts of our relationship.
Looking back, I never would have thought that the man of my dreams would bring two angels to our union- and shift my perception of what a family was. I learned that you don’t need to be blood related to be family, and the love you feel for children can go beyond birthing them into this world.
In all my years of motherhood, I had never heard of the term “Bonus Mom”- at least not until Krystle reached out to me to be part of this lovely platform. But it’s come to be one of my favorite terms as it’s a nice way of wrapping up the role I play, and all of the amazing things that I have encountered in my journey.
My life coach expressed to me once, “You are at the right place at the right time with the right people.” This has stuck with me since, and looking back at how I became a bonus mum, it all makes sense.
As with anything in life, my journey through motherhood was, and still is, a rollercoaster ride. But I have come to learn that love knows no boundaries, it has no limits, and the fairy tale’s misrepresentation of step parents do not necessarily mirror reality.
Now I am proud to tell everyone that I have six kids; two emotionally and four physically- but I love them all the same.
What were your initial thoughts when you found out that the man you were so smitten with already had children? If any, were they hard to come to terms with? What was that process like?
At first, yes, most definitely .I guess ever since I was young I was taught to live my life a certain way. Following the “normal” sequence of a woman- be born, finish school, work, find your soul mate, have kids and live happily ever after.
When Nic and I first started dating, it was young love. So I was spoiled on having him to myself. When the boys were finally introduced to me, it was then I realized I had to share his love & affection. Nic is an amazing Dad, and this was possibly the other reason why I fell more in love with him. Seeing how he would be as a man/Dad to our future children gave me the confirmation that I was “at the right place at the right time with the right man.”
What were some of the things you did to build a relationship with Nico & Mike?
I trust God and his plans. Never did I force myself to Nico & Mike. I always reassured them that I was not here to take their mom’s place, even up til now. I live by, “what you see is what you get“, and show them who I am, and what kind of support I can give them. Our relationship naturally grew to what it is now. Dates alone were key to building my relationships with Nico and Mike. Whenever I had the chance to bring them with me for work (mostly during my modeling career), they saw what I did and all the places I was able to show them. The out of town jobs were the best. I would bring them separately each time. During the breaks, we enjoyed each other’s company. Nico’s first banana boat ride was with me, at Anvaya, and until now it’s still one of our favorites trips together.
I make sure to date each of my children separately during the week to have a balance with every one of them.
Before you became pregnant, was being a “mother-figure” something you felt came naturally to you?
I loved kids even when I was younger, and actually wished (in Grade 4) to have 12 kids when I grew up. 6 girls and 6 boys! Crazy, right?! lol. God seemed to have a funny way of making that dream come true. 6 kids is good though! (Ha!) I loved taking care of my younger brothers, and my nieces and nephews. So I guess the maternal instinct was always there. Finally, having my own children made it a dream. I love every minute. The best roller coaster ride I have ever tried, and continue to ride.
Did you have a personal talk with the kids when you found out you were pregnant with Moses (your first pregnancy)?
No, we just shared the news, and since Nico was the only one that really remembers it, he was excited. He loves all his siblings and I couldn’t thank the Lord enough for making my eldest son the leader of his siblings.
Being a mom of six, what has motherhood taught you?
Gratitude. Being thankful for precious moments. The “first” experiences with my children. Being a mum who is intentional with actions of love. Lastly, everything I do, say, or feel is for them. The main reason why I built a company is for them to run in the future- to empower others so they can be an inspiration to others.
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